Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University)

Hi, I would absolutely appreciate grammatical, and sent structure check. Also am I answering the question the university is asking? Am I simply discussing my reasoning to why I want to learn, and how the university would be an advantage? Thanks, best regards, Haseeb.

Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.

UNDERGRAD ESSAY;

Millions saw the apple fall, Newton was the only one curious to know how. Newton's curiously questioned how. Led to his discovery, gravity. Applying this question of 'How?' to myself, has led me to my personal discovery, my burning desire for education. I educate myself with a respective formula of reading 30 pages daily, which calculates to 900 pages monthly, approximately 3 books. In the span of one year, I read 36 books of literature (3 books/month*12 months/year). Is my burning desire quenched? Absolutely not! I am consciously aware that thoughts, ideas, and attitudes are real, and that they are contagious. We will adopt the ideas, beliefs, and mindset of the people we spend the most time with (including the people found on TV, in books, or on tape), which will lead us to make similar decisions, which will lead to assume a similar life and lifestyle. A person's mindset is fluid. It's always changing with the ideas and interactions it comes into contact with on a daily basis. I want my mind to be amongst a diverse community. Attending Rutgers, a college with mixture and range will allow my intellect to develop. Aside from the superb learning curve, Rutgers vibrant community simulates the diversity within reality. The transaction from a student, to a profession will smoothly transpire. Of course, without balance, chaos exists. If I receive education from Rutgers University, I will be able to return a promise to contribute to my community. My focus, affirmations, and curiosity will always be present throughout my attendance. I have ideas to present for a prospective club on goal setting, creating affirmations, and personal development. Not merely wishful thinking or philosophy but the science of how our brain reacts in situations, firing neurons, releasing chemicals such as cortical, and behavior patterns to identify what is holds us back. I absolutely would be devoted to volunteer groups within the University. At the end of the day, I will sleep with peace knowing I exemplify our dynamic community. All this potential can be further explored once I enter an environment where minds seek growth. All these reasons has led me to my answer, I must be in Rutgers University to achieve my ambition to learn. Thank you for your time in reading my essay, best regards, Haseeb Shaida.

So let me know, positive criticism and corrections may begin :D

Haseeb,

What I like about this essay is that your personality shines through. Let's not lose that as we fix up the grammar and say more in order to address the question.

Some of your imagery is a bit off-beat, but I like that; it gives me a sense of you as a person, which is what admissions officers want. But if you are going to be talking about balance and chaos in the context of diversity or suddenly referring to neurotransmitters, you've got to make sure that your grammar and punctuation are impeccable and that your sentences are always sensible.

Here are a couple of fixes. (There are lots more for other members to find.)

Millions saw the apples fall; Newton was the only one curious to know how.


What does this mean? For one, I don't think this is an apt use of the phrase "learning curve." Similarly, unless you are referring to ecological restoration efforts intended to increase biodiversity, "simulates the diversity within reality" doesn't make much sense.

This strikes me as a bit off. It's good that you want to educate yourself and that you read a lot, but reading simply to make up the numbers isn't necessarily a good thing. What matters is how much you enjoy what you read, what sort of texts you read, and how much you retain of the material. I don't know -- maybe it's just me, but this description of your reading habits didn't have quite the impressive impression you seemed to be aiming for as far as I was concerned.

I worried about that too but, on the other hand, it does give a sense of the writer's personality. I imagine him or her very earnestly keeping track, and that image is endearing.

Thanks, Simone and Sean. I'll respond and question in order of replies. Simone, I love that you notice my personality come through my writing. Of course, it may be dry in certain areas.


I am crediting the college's position as a state university and as they mentioned a diversity, I want to give a reason as to how their diversity has impact on their students. That impact I believe has similiarities to reality in America (vast diversity). If it still does not make sense, i'll revise that sentence. In your opinion, would keeping any sentence with that similar meaning be wise in a college essay?

Sean, I mentioned my personal reading habits to allow the college to understand I do desire their education. Of course, I read for my personal enjoyment, but we both know reading is declining due to access of simpler forms of entertainment (visuals (video, games, movies)). Both you and Simone felt cautious about that content, should I consider mentioning I read a lot or I constantly practice reading a lot?

It's good to include something to this effect. The problem was that, as you phrased it initially, you were saying that the school stimulates diversity in the wider world. The only way for that to be true would be if the school is directly responsible for provoking procreation or immigration.

Say what you have to say simply. The diversity of the university reflects the diversity of the wider world. This will help students prepare for their personal and professional lives in the wider world.

It's okay to say that you are an avid reader -- I just wouldn't mention that you read by quota rather than for personal edification.