"A ringing, a thumping, a rumble" - Yale Short Essay

I tried to do an original take on this, but I don't know how well I portrayed it. Any comments/critiques/pointers are very welcome!

This is for the Common App Short Essay for Yale.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.

A ringing, a thumping, a rumble. Fingers glide across the polished ivory; notes blur and dissipate, each engraved in her mind. A soprano, a baritone, a choir. Our glorious melody sings our heart out as a bass sweeps through us, rising and rising. A gasp, a yearning, a tension-her wrists are down as the momentum churns, and we're building higher from pianissimo to fortissimo, from a whisper to a thunderous cry! Sforzando! We're soaring and flying, our sounds resonating across the theme, across the page, across time!

We tumble down, her frenzied chromatic passion pushing us further and faster and the blending pedal aiding our descent. We roar and we rumble until-Stop! A breath. A note. A silence. We murmur our last voice softly, and gently, and tenderly. A final chord and we're at peace.

We love our pianist.

This is well-written but not sure if this is meant to give the college more insight into who YOU are? If that is the aim then you certainly need to p[ersonalise more

Well, I tried to take the perspective of a 'piece' that I'm playing reflecting on me. What I wanted to show was (obviously) my love for piano, the passion and emotion I have for it, and the way I hear the music when I play the piano.

Since you didn't think it was very personalized, is this not obvious?

I wrote a second draft here:

A ringing, a thumping, a drumming. Her deft fingers glide across the polished ivory; notes blur and dissipate, each engraved in her mind. A whisper, a caress, a love. Our sweet sounds tug at her heart as she pours hours on us, hypnotized. A soprano, a baritone, a choir. Our glorious melody sings out as a bass sweeps through us, rising and rising. A gasp, a yearning, a tension-her resolve increases as the momentum churns, and we're building higher from pianissimo to fortissimo, from a purr to a thunderous cry! Sforzando! Her eyes flutter shut, a single tear falls as a smile shines, and we're soaring and flying-our sounds resonating across the theme, across the page, across time!

We tumble down, her frenzied chromatic passion pushing us further and faster and her blending pedal aiding our descent. We roar and we rumble until-Stop! A breath. A note. A silence. She plays softly and tenderly and ethereally as we murmur our last voice. A final chord-and we're at peace. We love our pianist.

Please critique?

I guess I'm not the only one trying to get someone to review/criticize my essay.

You paint a good picture, a critical piece of a good essay, but it still lacks the personalization that is really necessary for a college reflective essay. This is mainly because you speak about the piano player as a separate entity from the writer. If you are the piano player it has to be you. Or at least it needs to come back to you at the end. Also if this is a bout you, it seems a tad arrogant. Its a hard line to follow with the college essay, trying to be personal but not too much so its not a big problem, just something to work on. I would especially work on your closing. "We love our pianist" is really too much for an essay about yourself. I really do love the imagery and the vocabulary though. You really have a way with words!