Rotman Commerce, extracurricular skills and experiences (DECA experience)

I need to write a 400 word personal statement for my Rotman Commerce personal statement.

Here is the prompt:

"#3: What extracurricular skills and experiences will you bring to Rotman Commerce?"

And here is my statement:

Henry Ford once said, "If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself." This quote holds true to my experience as a Math League member. During the times where I competed in math competitions, I have felt a sense of pride and unity amongst my fellow members. The experience of working with other students to represent our school in regional, provincial, and national competitions has taught me to appreciate the true value of teamwork. Since teamwork is essential to today and tomorrow's business world, the teamwork experience that I gained from being a part of Math League would be valuable to the Rotman Commerce.

My experience as a DECA member has opened my eyes to the business world. Since DECA has made me become more ambitious, it is one of my goals to change and contribute to the world by studying at the Rotman Commerce. My participation in the DECA 2010 Regional Competition has given me the hands on experience of what it is like competing with other goal-oriented individuals. During the competition, I used the quick-thinking, improvisational and professional skills that I learned during my DECA meetings. The hard work that I put into the meetings while preparing for the competition paid off, as I was able to make it into the DECA 2011 Provincials.

As a peer tutor, I have the experience of helping other students. Helping other students has not only allowed them to learn and develop their own goals, but it has also helped me enhance my interpersonal skills. Helping other students has also given me a sense of compassion towards those who are in need of assistance, as the knowledge of having to help others would bring them closer to success. With my experience of being a peer tutor, I hope to use my compassion for working with different students and helping others at the Rotman Commerce.

***

Please, please, please be critical of it.

Thanks in advance!

I'm too amateur to comment on this. But I believe when you begin talking about your experience as a DECA member, you should spell out entirely and then continue with abbreviation DECA.

Being descriptive about your work profile at DECA is slightly required.

Perhaps, my points may be invalid as I am based in India and do not know the education clubs' work entirely.

Hi there,

I agree with what Charmi Mehta said, does Rotman Commerce knows about DECA? If not you should spell out entirely in brackets. I think words in brackets are not counted.

Overal, your essay is good. But at some point, it is lack of proof.

For examples, you wrote


How does DECA made you become become more ambitious? I think you should write about it.

Good luck. Please critique mine as well, thank you.

Good point about the DECA thing.

Most people I found have trouble with the umbrella effect meaning you're talking about one main subject that branch out into sub-subjects that still support the main theme. Though each paragraph is well written other than the abbreviation of DECA which the other two commentators stated above, it lacks fluidity. Other than that it's perfect. Try focusing on one of the activities and going in depth on the skills you gain from that particular one. Just an ideal :P