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Self-revelation, Self-amendment: Meaningful-Cultural event



BlackWaltzIV 5 / 10  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Hi,
Thanks for your time. I'm applying from the UK. The event I am describing is when I was in the bathroom, listening to the bugle at a remembrance day ceremony. I think it's a Commonwealth thing- similar to Veteran's day. It happens every year at 11am of the 11day of the eleventh month. - The armistice of WW1. [ The essay is in British English but I can change that easily.]

Eleven a.m. on the eleventh day of the eleventh month always felt mandatory; something done out of tradition, I was told it was to remember what had been lost for our country, our cause and our liberty. The true gravity in the families that had never been, memories never created or shared, and loves that never were, had never hit impacted me.

So what a ridiculous juxtaposition it was, to hear 'Last Post' for the first time, and for two minutes be consumed by the magnitude of this day, whilst alone, in the bathroom, vainly checking my face for the tiniest imperfection.

In my head the world around me dissolved; I stared into that mirror, at 18 years old, and tried to not imagine the experiences of other people: not photographs, not the voice of a war torn man in my head as I read his poems- but myself. Give me a rifle and a tin can for a helmet and force me over the top. Give me a horse and sabre and let me lead a charge into the invisible wall of machine gun fire. Give me a spade, and I'll dig myself a foxhole in the frozen ground of the Ardennes, at the mercy of the exploding trees whose splinters' shred my cloth armour.

Oh God; please don't.
How was I so blind?
Now I tell myself: 'live honestly, fully, and deep-heartedly thankful; as they would have done.'
For all of the above: the process of self-revelation, self-amendment and recognising the enormity of the tragedies in which our lives are inescapably founded on, meant that these were the most meaningful two minutes of my life.

sogoldman 6 / 21  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
The idea is nice, but the grammar is not quite right. The "something" in "something done out of tradition" refers to the celebration, while the subject of the main clause is "I." Perhaps: Eleven a.m. on the eleventh day of the eleventh month always felt mandatory. Something done out of tradition, this special date and time remembers what had been lost for our country, our cause and our liberty.

The true gravity in the families that had never been, memories never created or shared, and loves that never were, had never hit impacted me.

Is there gravity IN families? Would it be better to say gravity OF? Something feels a bit off in this sentence.
Maybe: families that had never formed and loves that never blossomed? (get rid of that passive voice)
Just suggestions.

I stared into that mirror, at 18 years old, and tried to not imagine the experiences of other people:

This statement is very poetic. However, the "18 years old" takes away from the sentence's flow. Could you stick that information someplace else? Maybe at the beginning of the sentence?

but myself

I'm sorry, but this confused me. You are not imagining the other people but imagining yourself? You need to make this transitions clearer. I think just saying "but I imagined myself" would get the job done.

How was I so blind?

I don't think this is necessary.

For all of the above: the process of self-revelation, self-amendment and recognising the enormity of the tragedies in which our lives are inescapably founded on, meant that these were the most meaningful two minutes of my life.

You say that you described these things earlier; however, you need to explicitly make the connections. Furthermore, you should reflect more on your "self-revelation, self-amendment and recognizing the enormity of the tragedies." This is the goal of the essay, and I think you need to explain this more in depth.

Overall, it is a very well-written essay. You take a risk of making yourself sound self-absorbed, and you should show this to some other people to see if they reach the same conclusion. However, don't stress. You have some lovely imagery, and you are a very good writer.

(Could you edit one of my essays please? Thank you!)


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