Severus Snape! I was a ruthless disciplinarian who hid his soft side from everybody

It's my first time here. Please read and review this essay for me. Thank you.

Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose to be the other student in the class, and why?

Severus Snape from the Harry Potter movies! When I used to teach classes in our Night School, I could well say I was a ruthless

disciplinarian who hid his soft side from everybody. As draconian as it may sound, I adored this stringent attitude because it helped
me to instill new lessons in students every working day and quite secretly keep improving myself. Although there were a few
missteps, I maintained mutual respect between my students and me because of which, we all gained. I could well say that Professor
Snape, the master of Potions and the connoisseur of Dark Arts, was the invisible force, an inspiration behind my attitude.
Professor Snape inspires me because of his challenging character and extreme sensitivity. Snape knew that the Dark Lord, his
demonic and black-hearted master, will return one day and fish out years of information by reading his mind. He therefore treated
Harry Potter, the Dark Lord's nemesis, with maximal coldness, thus never arousing the Dark Lord's suspicion and also protecting
Harry. He played a challenging role and he inspires me because of the beautiful, brilliant way he handled it. He inspires me to
carefully engineer every step I take so that I may discover any exit in an undesirable situation and get every task accomplished the
right way.
Severus would make the perfect classmate for me because of our similarities in story and character. We even share a similar love
story, making him an ideal friend too. To have him in the class would be like being excited to learn something new every day! He will

motivate me to flourish through tutorials at Williams and succeed in every mission I assume in my academic life as I prepare for
higher studies. With Severus, I will develop into a multi-faceted, dynamic individual.

Interesting essay, haha. I think you have something going with this essay but I have a few suggestions.

"Severus Snape from the Harry Potter movies! When I used to teach classes in our Night School, I could well say I was a ruthless

disciplinarian who hid his soft side from everybody."

This is a little informal and awkward. I would suggest not beginning your essay with that sentence, especially because of the exclamation point. Also, I feel that the admissions reader might roll his eyes. I think you directly compare yourself with this character in a way that makes it seem like you are just listing him. I would suggest, and this is purely a suggestion, beginning your story with a stronger hook and creating a story that flows better. Don't necessarily introduce you character by name, but rather describe what he does, then maybe mention who he is and describe your story while mentioning how you relate to his characteristics, or vice versa where you begin about your story. Make it interesting and make sure it flows so it does't sound choppy.

Also, the reader may not know so much about Harry Potter so it might make it a little confusing, so I would be extremely careful with that. Hope my suggestions help :]