Hi, firstly I want to show my gratefulness to EssayForum.com. You are really helpful. Thank you so much.
I really want to get admission from the University of the People, the first free online university in the world.
The university require applicants to write between 400-500 words essay answering one of two questions and this is my chosen one:
How do you think your university studies will affect your career in the future?
I am not an Englishman and my writing skill is so moderate that I am afraid of both my essay expression and its content. Please help me check and improve it to become more persuadable as soon as possible because its deadline is 06/30. I really appreciate you great help.
Studying Business Administration at the University of the People would firstly provide me the valuable theory that is required to understand and enlighten myself on principles of business which are necessary to work effectively in this field. I thought practical experience was an important factor to be successful at work. Thus, instead of focusing on study, I spent most of my time on the part-time jobs. However, in such a knowledge-based society, with profound specialist knowledge one might stand out amongst the other candidates and get a chance to attain a favourable position in his/her professional life. Basically, a good way to acquire this knowledge is from an advanced education. I thereby believe that four years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be more competitive and capable in business field.
Besides, in order to succeed in this era, it is necessary to exploit the infinite powerful of digital networks and social softwares as well as to become competent at English. As a result, it is certain that the study process at the University of the People would be a valuable experience for me. As during my course of study, my IT and English skills could develop themselves as well, both of which serve useful purposes in professional fields.
Moreover, the methodology of "learning by teaching, peer-to-peer teaching" not only encourages individuals in self-confidence, dynamism, communication skills but also creates a community in which people help each other attain knowledge and get success. Through the University of the People, I would thus learn not only specialist knowledge but can also develop my social skills and community spirit.
Having grown up in an undeveloped country, I understand how a lack of education is an impediment for people aiming to better their lives. Although I have cherished the dream to study at a qualified school, I cannot afford it because of its expensive tuition fee. Therefore the University of the People will open an opportunity for my dream to come true. I believe that this university by its provision of the affordable education will help create more job opportunities to all of people and therefore, help make a new, more equal and prosperous world. In case of a student of the University of the People, my future is to become an Uopeople's volunteer to help the school complete its lofty mission as "a free university for students all over the world". Especially, I dream of helping thousands of Vietnamese come to study at the University of the People so that they could get qualified and change their lives.
Studying business administration in the University of the People
^The course title should be in Caps locks, and you study 'at' a University.
'would support me THE valuable theoretical foundation'
^of what?
and a deep understanding of the principles of business and economics which are necessary to work properly in this field.
^You can rephrase it as Business and Economic principles.
What field are you referring to?
I once thought real experience as a key for work success.
^do you mean 'was' a key. What is 'work success'?
I thus did not focus on my university study but part-time jobs. However, in a current knowledge-based society, it is hard to become competitive unless I have a profound specialist knowledge, brainstorm skills and English expertise.
^University Studies, bur rather part time jobs.
Our society does not necessarily operate on being knowledge based. Furthermore, knowledge is very broad. I would consider rephrasing this sentence entirely.
-competitive? in what?
-brain-STORMING skills
-English expertise?
These qualities are able to reach by advanced education.
^
No. Poor sentence. 'An advanced education can help facilitate the process of developing these qualities'.
^However, that point itself is debatable as what makes the education 'advanced' and does it really help improve your practical skills as such?
I hereby perfectly believe that 4 years of assiduity in the University of the People would make me be sufficiently competitive and capable in business field.
^Your grammar is weak in this sentence.
Additionally, I would contribute the advanced knowledge achieved to the innovation process in my country by volunteering to help popularize academic education.
^
advanced knowledge ACHIEVED??
The point may be strong, however once again, your sentence structure disappoints.
An individual to succeed in this era is necessary to exploit the infinite powerful of digital networks and social softwares.
^
I really do not know what you are trying to say here.
Is the individual necessary? Or is it necessary???
The whole phrasing of the sentence is rather clumsy
As a result, it is certain that the study process in the University of the People would be a valuable practice for me as well as my source of inspiration to continue producing excellent but low-cost goods for community.
^study process at..
-will be
-its not a practice, perhaps an experience?
-continue producing excellent but low cost goods for community
^It sounds as if youve mentioned this point, although you have not.
Which community are you referring to?
My study there would promise well to help me reach intellectual potential and bring idea breakthroughs.
^Study where?
-whose intellectual potential
-idea breakthroughs??
Moreover, the methodology of "learning by teaching, peer-to-peer teaching" not only encourages individuals in self-confidence, dynamism, communication skills but also creates a community where people help each other attain knowledge and get success.
^I guess that is decent...
The University of the People would thus teach me not only specialist knowledge but social skills and community spirit.
^How???
You have not supported this claim at all.
I myself could correspondingly become open-minded, overcome social barriers and help making a more equal and glued world.
^glued world? As in we all stick together or something? And your grammatical tenses are not parallel to each other.
Being actually a poor Vietnamese, I understand thoroughly how low education prevents people to benefit their life.
^
Omit 'Being actually'.
-'I understand how a lack of education is an impediment for people aiming to better their lives'
Although my indigent friends and I all thirst for study at international-qualified schools, we cannot afford them.
-Internationally**
-However, this sentence sounds rather superficial. What seperates an internationally qualified school from the University of the People?
It is as if because you had no other choice, you want to apply there. It is likely that the admissions committee will not find this very flattering..
Therefore, the University of the People is definitely our dream university which has been desired for many years.
^It is your dream university, because you can afford it? Try to find another, more valid reason, to tell the University of People as to why it is your dream University. Also, your grammar once again is unclear. You make it sound as if the University of the People has been desired for many years?
Grammatically, it causes the assumption that people in general crave the University of the People for many years. Furthermore, I am not sure if 'desire' is the appropriate word in this context.
In case of an student of the University of the People, my future is to become an Uopeople's volunteer to help the school complete its lofty mission as "a free university for students all over the world".
^I dont understand why the first clause is even there.
^I thought you wanted to produce low cost goods?
I especially want help thousands of the Vietnamese indigent come to study in the University of the People, get qualification and change their life.
^get qualifications or get qualified
-change their life does not fit in here. I understand you are trying to link how a qualification can change their lives. However, it sounds as if your goals are to help people:
study at the Univeristy of the People.
get qualifications
change their life
A change in their life can happen from anything, however I think you are trying to say that it can happen from a qualification.
In which case, you can say 'get qualifications and thus, attempt to change their lives'.
Something along those lines
Overall, this essay does require some work.
Hopefully, other contributors can help make the changes necessary to make your essay look very strong.
Good luck man,
Studying business administration at the University of the People would provide me a valuable theoretical foundation and a deep understanding of the principles of business and economics which are necessary to work properly in this field. I once thought real experience as the key for work success. I thus did not focus on my university study but on my part-time jobs. However, in a current knowledge-based society, it is hard to become competitive unless I have a profound specialist knowledge, brainstorming skills, and English expertise. I can achieve those qualities are able to reach by advanced education. I t hereby perfectly believe that 4 years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be sufficiently competitive and capable in business field. Additionally, I would then contribute my advanced knowledge achieved to the innovation process in my country by volunteering to help popularize academic education.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your suggestions. I changed some part of my essay. Please help me to check again as soon as possible. One again thank you so much.
Thank you Simone for your repair. I would repair my mistakes
Thank you Liebe and Simone, I worked hard on my essay to repair grammar and expression mistakes. Please help me to check my essay once again. Because of the deadline, I will have to send my essay to Uopeople tomorrow. So I will be very grateful if you can check it as soon as possible.
Studying Business Administration at the University of the People would foremost support
'firstly provide me the '
valuable theoretical foundation and deep understanding of the
'that is required to understand and enlighten myself on principles of business and economics'
which are necessary to work effectively in this field.
^Once again, what field are you referring to? Business or Economics? Or Business Administration?
I had thought practical experience as an important factor [for the success in the future work.
^I thought
experience was
to be successful at work.
Thus, instead of focusing on study, I spent almost my time on the part-time jobs.
^you either spend none of, all, or some of your time. Choose whichever one appropriately however I think the word you are looking for it 'most'
However in such a competitive society, only with profound specialist knowledge, you might stand out the other candidates and get a chance to achieve a favourable position in your professional life.
^
you? not the appropriate pronoun. The Admissions Counselor may not want to know that he needs profound specialist knowledge. Therefore, replace 'you' with 'one'. remove the comma and say 'can one stand out amongst other candidates in order to attain a favorable position in his/her professional life'.
In regards to the point you made, I am not sure if it is true however if you firmly believe in this point and want it to remain on your application, then leave it there.
Basically, the good way to acquire this knowledge is from an advanced education.
*replace 'the' with a
I thereby believe that four years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be sufficiently competitive and capable in business field.
^if it is very competitive, do you want to be 'just competitive' or more competitive??
Besides, in order to succeed in this era, it is necessary to exploit the infinite powerful of digital networks and social softwares as well as to become competent at English. As a result, it is certain that the study process at the University of the People would be a valuable experience for me to get expert at both IT and English skills.
^as during my course of study, my IT and English skills can develop themselves as well, both of which serve useful purposes in professional fields.
Moreover, the methodology of "learning by teaching, peer-to-peer teaching" not only encourages individuals in self-confidence, dynamism, communication skills but also creates a community where people help each other attain knowledge and get success.
*a community in which.
Through the University of the People, I would thus learn not only specialist knowledge but social skills and community spirit.
^can also develop my social skills and my community spirit.
Growing up in an undeveloped country, I understand how a lack of education is an impediment for people aiming to better their lives.
^
Having grown up
lol, the part after the comma was my contribution! yay
Although I have cherished the dream to study at an internationally qualified school, I cannot afford it because of its expensive tuition fee. Therefore the University of the People will open an opportunity for my dream to come true.
^You dreamt of studying at an internationally qualified school.
Is University of the People internationally recognised, beacause you say that its a dream.
-To be honest, I do not quite get the internationally recognised thing here.
See if you can omit it entirely, because if the University of People is not internationally recognised, it kind of shows how you are only applying there because you had no other choice. If it is internationally recognised, then you should not mention how you wanted to study elsewhere, because these Admission Counselors want to hear how you genuinely want to study at their respective Univeristies.
I believe that this university by its provision of the affordable education will help create more job opportunities to all of people and therefore, help make a new more equal and prosperous world.
^help make a new, more equal and prosperous world.
In case of a student of the University of the People, my future is to become an Uopeople's volunteer to help the school complete its lofty mission as "a free university for students all over the world". Especially, I dream of helping thousands of Vietnamese come to study at the University of the People so that they could get qualified and change their lives.
Well I hope my contributions are meaningful. Good luck
How do you think my essay can be more persuadable? Could you give me some ideas for improve my essay? I am not satisfied with it.
Thank you Liebe so much, your repair is really helpful.You made my ideas clear. How much I should say 'thank you' to you^^. I have completed the above essay and this is it:
Do you think I should add more ideas to make the essay more persudable? If it is, what is it? Please tell me.
You could improve your essay even more by being as concise as possible:
Studying Business Administration at the University of the People would firstly provideallow me to learnthe valuable business theory that is required to understand and enlighten myself on principles of business which are necessary to work effectively in this field.
"However, in such a knowledge-based society, with profound specialist knowledge one might stand out amongst the other candidates and get a chance to attain a favourable position in his/her professional life. Basically, a good way to acquire this knowledge is from an advanced education. I thereby believe that four years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be a more competitive and capable in businessmanfield ."
Thank EF_Sean for your suggestions so much. I will repair and complete my essay.