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"Stan... is something else" - UBC Personal Profile : Describing myself

Stan_a 1 / -  
Jan 6, 2018   #1
Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why? (Maximum 250 words)

my eccentric personality

"Stan... is something else", those are roughly the words that my friends would tell you if you asked them to describe me. That rather vague description would stem from my personality which some have described as eccentric (In a good way I hope), and I agree with the fact that I am quite unconventional and tend to think miles outside the box. I would consider myself as strongly independent and like to make my own choices. If you said I could either go skydiving, go for ice-cream or watch Lion King the musical. I would jump out of a plane with a lemon and chocolate ice-cream in my hand whilst singing Hakuna Matata, which brings me to the next thing about me, I don't like to limit my options something both my family and friends would agree on. Stemming from a conservative African household my family would describe me as the most adventurous in the family, this would most likely be because of my thrill-seeking nature and my involvement in kayaking and having parents that took people in and cared for them has taught me about loving one another despite your differences. If I were to choose a trait I'm most proud of it would probably be my persistence against the odds because it is that persistence that some mistake for arrogance that has enabled me to defy the odds and be who I am today (I also like proving people wrong), as well as my supposed ability to make people laugh regardless of the situation.

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,505 1933  
Jan 7, 2018   #2
Stanslous, your second sentence is a run on. It is also too long. Divide that presentation into 2 sentences instead. Then remove the reference to jumping out of the plane because that is coming from your personal, first person point of view rather than from your friends or family members. Remember, the first half of the essay is all about how other people see you so the first person pronoun should not be used in this instance. Third person presentations would be more appropriate because it allows you to describe yourself from the pov of others.

You don't get to speak in the first person until the last part of the prompt response that asks you to describe the thing you are most proud of. Again, you responded to it as a run on sentence, which makes it difficult to follow and also makes it harder to understand. Don't try to get your message across in one breath. You need to space out the sentences so that the reviewer has the opportunity to really pay attention to what you are saying and analyze it. When you write extra long sentences, you remove that chance from the reviewer and thus, you cause the weakening of your response statement.

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