"What the....?" - Stanford roomate essay

I'm not sure if my essay is suitable. Can someone give feedback? Thank you!

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear my prospective roomie,

You'll probably gasp as I walk in our room and unpack my bags. "What the...?" you'll ask yourself. Well, your reaction is absolutely legitimate! YES, I am a little odd, and my belongings are odder. If you first saw me from the common room, you probably wouldn't have found anything so odd about me. Plain tee shirt, jeans, converse and back pack - classic freshman, hey? However, what's on the outside can be different from what's on the inside...

Confession, I have a secret craze about cute things. Character pens? A little weak. Rainbow coloured plush toys, rabbit pyjamas, tomato shaped pillows, and duck printed blankets. I LOVE cuddly and sweet little things, and I like to permanently open an exhibition on my bed. My friends comment "this is outrageous" as they walk into my room, but soon find themselves in paradise and shout "I'm in heaven!!!" as they squeeze my baby dinosaur collection.

Still don't get me wrong! I'm not a five year old girl who lives in dream. I like collecting these because they give me a time to let go of my otherwise hard-out lifestyle. My room full of little cute things gives me a space where I can forget about all the pressures and stress that lower my spirit, so that I can recharge and go firing out again. They also remind me of my magical childhood, which I can relive - without showing the world - in my cozy room.

I'm sure you will find my 'friends' adorable, and feel free to join in my world! When you and I flunk our exams and feel heartbroken, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver will be there for us. Living life as a poise adult is cool, and partying out at a Friday night sure can't get better. But if you need that little space - where you can do everything and get away with it - I can provide that in our room.

So, are you ready to be a sophisticated college student, yet chuckle away in our secret world every night?

Let's do this!

Yours cutely,

(name)

I LOVE cuddly and sweet little things, and I'd like to permanently open an exhibition on my bed

Still, don't get me wrong! I'm not a five year old girl who lives in a dream

Overall, a very cute essay, which is what i'm sure you wanted to come across as. I like it, because it definetly shows who you are. It definetly needs a couple grammatical tweaks, however. I like the humor, which is what i tried to incorporate in my essay as well.

My room full of little cute things gives me a space where I can forget about all the pressures and stress that lower my spirit, so that I can recharge and go firing out again. They also remind me of my magical childhood, which I can relive - without showing the world - in my cozy room. <-------my favorite sentence

really cute essay, definitely shows one aspect of you. However, personally I think you should incorporate some other sides of your characters other than your craze on cute things

Hey thanks :D Yeah I'm not really good with grammar..Thank you for fixing things up though, really appreciate that!

Do you think that coming across as "cute" is perhaps a bit immature for Stanford? I mean, I wrote this essay purely talking about my room and what I will get to share with my roomie. I didn't really have the 'intention' to be cute. It's just an aspect of my secret craze :D

I thought that writing about one thing in specific is okay - that's what people in college confidential seemed to do so :S Do you think I'll be right to submit this essay?


D: Do you think so? Does that mean I gotta scratch this essay and start a new one? I thought I'd just focus on one aspect in detail - which is perhaps better than having little bits of everything that becomes superficial.

I liked it but I would NOT put the part about flunking exams... i dont think that would go over too well with admissions