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Personal Statement: biochemistry in your University


tonydengcnu 23 / 17  
Nov 19, 2008   #1
I hope I can follow a degree program in biochemistry in your University . My keen interest in natural sciences, especially experiment-related subjects lead me across the threshold and the influence from my family and my learning experiences in high school finally confirm my determination of further studies and research in this field.

Possibly influenced by my father, a math and chemistry teacher, and also my mother, a science lover, I have strong interest in nature and immense curiosity in plants and animals. My parents always told me knowledge about biology, earth science and environment. On my 10th birthday, they even bought a biology Encyclopedia as a gift to me. Under their influence and with their help, I take learning biology an experience of pleasure, satisfaction and even amazement.

Since junior high school, I developed stronger interest in biology, chemistry and physics. On one hand, I am quite motivated in academic studies. Before an experiment, I read the instruction carefully to have a clear purpose in mind; after an experiment, I compare the results and manage to figure out the reasons for difference. In case of any doubts, I have no hesitation to consult the teacher. In addition to maintaining an excellent academic performance, I am also ready to help others by explaining tough points and showing them the experiment procedure. On the other hand, I worked as the representative of Physics and Biology. This not only provided me with greater drive to learn but also urged me to help my teacher organize activities such as trip to Botany Garden. One year ago, I participated in National Dinosaur Cup Knowledge Contest and this experience widened my horizon and filled me with greater confidence. So I am determined to gain deeper insight about biology and give my talents a full play.

In short, if I am luckily enrolled into the biochemistry program of your University, it will undoubtedly be a turning point where I can gain deeper insight into biochemistry. Upon graduation, I will devote to the research of biochemistry and contribute to the welfare of the world population.

EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 19, 2008   #2
Good evening :)

The first thing I notice about your piece is that it has a very weak, passive voice; this is the opposite of what you want in your writing, especially in admissions essays. You need to make sure that your tone and voice are both very confident and active. For instance, the first sentence begins with "I hope..."; this is not stepping forward with your best foot. Instead, try something like this: "By following a degree program in biochemistry at your university I will sharpen my knowledge in the field of the natural sciences, especially experiment related subjects." This is both active and strong, showing that you are a confident person who knows you want to get into this institution. Once you look over your piece again and rework it so that you are a the one carrying out the action in the piece instead of the observer on the receiving end, it will be a much stronger, more effective piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP tonydengcnu 23 / 17  
Dec 9, 2008   #3
thanks, it is a great help


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