Pls kindly Review my essay
Dear Sir/Madam
I am writing to apply for POSCO Asia Fellowship 2019, where I am very interested. to apply and study at one of the campuses in Korea and get a degree from one of the universities which are my opportunity to enrich my knowledge and professional development so that it contributes to the development of my country and to learn and have new experiences.
My name is Adeembas I'm Currently working as an election supervisor in the sub-district of my region because soon Indonesia will hold a presidential election, members of the provincial legislature and cities in Indonesia this time the democratic party is the biggest because it combines the presidential and legislative elections throughout Indonesia
Coming from Indonesia my greatest challenge is in helping to improve the livelihoods of developing nations through sustainable development and good governance principles. The need for policymakers, who are able to employ cross jurisdictions and cross-disciplinary strategies to overcome complex challenges is essential. and this is what I see in the Korean state in various challenges in making political, economic, and strategic decisions in the Korean peninsula as well as building relations between both South Korea and North Korea which are currently working and heading towards peace.
I considered necessary to continue with my studies and do a master's degree in Korea for increasing my level of knowledge and opportunity to work in the government and to become policymakers, especially in South Korea. I see POSCO Asia Fellowship as an opportunity for me to excel and develop my skills in a country where the universities offer master's degree that is a focus in politics and regulation study. Only a few countries in the world offer a unique approach to education as this program does. The high level of education that Korea has, which is recognized throughout the world, placing itself in the first places with one of the top educations in the world, is what made me choose POSCO Asia Fellowship korea over other countries, but also seeks to encourage at the same time international exchange, as well as promoting friendship between different countries.
I would be grateful to be provided with sponsorship to further my education and build a career and POSCO Asia Fellowship will be immensely helpful. My future potential employer especially in the public and government sector such as local universities,research study about politics and policymakers that capable of creating a good policy make regulations that regulate and facilitate and help people to live better in the area will be a good channel my focus is where I can transfer the knowledge gained in an optimized manner to my country and future generations.
In addition, if get selected I will get to know people from various regions with different backgrounds and different cultures. The exposure is important for interaction and integration of diverse ideas and perspectives pertaining to various global issues; With the right people, culture, and values, you can accomplish great things. I am determined to make the most of the scholarship benefits. I will study, collect, search and find many ideas that will apply when I return to my country to contribute to my country Indonesia.
Once again I am grateful for considering my application and I look forward to a favorable reply.
Pls kindly Review my essay
Your introductory paragraph is lengthy and dragging. You could better this through cutting down your phrasing and ensuring that you are as straightforward as you possibly can be. By doing this, you can relay your messay with more ease to the evaluators. Remember that your goal in these application essays is not necessarily to impress the evaluators with complex language - rather it is to showcase your in-depth intent to join the team.
Having said that, I could revise your first paragraph as:
I am writing with the intent to apply for the POSCO Asia Fellowship 2019. I have a keen interest to study in one of the campuses in South Korea. I believe that this will enrich my current knowledge alongside developing my professional life so that I may contribute to my country.
Notice that I had changed around your usage of preposition that were improperly utilized. I had also ensured that I cut down the sentence into smaller chunks that relays the information easier. Making your content easier to digest is key.
I suggest that you apply this technique to the rest of your essay because it was a common issue that I had found.
Watch out for your usage of punctuation. You also had a tendency to incorporate hanging thoughts into your sentences that do not necessarily fit their overall structure. Furthermore, I would also say that you have to be wary with your placement of the word and.
In terms of the content of your essay, it's quite impressive because of how bold and substantial it is. I do suggest that you create more specific elaborations for your content. What I mean by this is that you should make sure that you talk specifically about what academic institutions you are looking forward to be a part of. Talk about specific parts of South Korea's educational system that makes it better for your program.
For the betterment of the flow of your essay, I would also say that you should incorporate more personal anecdotes about your essay. Make it more personalized through talking briefly about the first time you were into this program - and then what made you realize that you truly wanted to advance in this field. Iwould also recommend that you switch your first and second paragraph to have a smoother introduction.
Best of luck.
