"Studying Spanish" - U of M Diversity Essay Question

"We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

I need some help with this question, I've only been pondering it for a few days, but I would like some feedback, am I going in the right direction, does this answer the question?

I started exploring the world when I moved away from home. It was Pittsburgh, not Indonesia, but for me it was a jungle. Immersed in an entirely new environment-my world expanded. From then on, it became my mission to meet many faces and travel many places. So far I've learned it's not always about clothes, skin color, hairstyle, musical preference, or sexual orientation. Focusing on exterior differences blocks the ability to see the person on the inside. Everyone is unique; it's diversity that makes Earth a beautiful place, without it life would be lackluster. Looking beyond the surface lets me gain wisdom from every person I encounter. I think that language is an amazing gift to humanity and it the vast amount of languages spoken across the globe is stunning. Learning a foreign tongue can only open doors, and should be essential to any educational path.

Studying Spanish is one of the most rewarding experiences. Aboard a vessel at sea, under the Costa Rican sky, about to venture to an underwater world for the first time, my dive partner and I suited up. We shared our enthusiasm in a language not my own, my world broadened again. It's refreshing, experiencing new cultures, underwater and above. I was left Costa Rica with new experiences but most importantly a friend. Connecting with people across the globe is the only way the people of this world are going to co-exist. Trying new things and connecting with different people makes me a better person. I've learned to overcome language barriers, to play guitar, write poetry, wakeboarding, road tripped across country, helped an animal, fed the hungry, and I'm looking to continue expanding my mind, attending the University of Michigan will do just that. I am one of six billion and counting, but I know I am one vibrant fish in the sea.

Word limit-- 250

You kinda sorta answer the question, but imho, you could do it much more effectively. First of all, you don't have a whole lot of words, and the goal of these essays is, ultimately, to tell them even more about yourself than what they will see in your grades, test scores, and obligatory extra-curriculars. The only thing your first paragraph told me was that you, at some point in your life, moved to Pittsburgh. You kind of have a thesis, but it can be much stronger. To me, it just sounds contrived, like you are telling them what you think they might want to hear.

My suggestion would be to completely go back and re-work it. You say your essay is about studying Spanish, but you only dedicate three or four sentences to that. You mention that you took a trip to Costa Rica...did you spend an hour of your own time each day teaching yourself Spanish, and go to Costa Rica where you somehow used the Spanish you had learned?

On a plane home from Europe, I sat in silence next to a French girl about my age for about eleven hours. In the last hour, she turned to me and in awkward English asked for my help filling out her immigration card. At the time, I had only a couple semesters of French under my belt, but between our limited grasp on each other's languages, we became friends and even split a criossant at the airport after the flight.

My point being, simply, that I would focus it down to one meaningful experience that involved your use of Spanish. It will be much more powerful. Just my suggestions of course. Good luck!

THE WORD LIMIT IS 250

You conveyed a good message.

Try slimming down some the sentences:

"Aboard a vessel at sea, under the Costa Rican sky, about to venture to an underwater world for the first time, I overcame the language barrier."

"I've learned to play guitar, written poetry, tried wakeboarding, road tripped across country, helped an animal, fed the hungry, and I'm looking to continue expanding my mind, I'm sure attending the University of Michigan will do just that."

Combine or separate the segments.

Good Luck!!

Thanks for your comments John, I guess I am more of a creative writer so it is hard for me to not write in descriptive sentences, that is why this assignment is such a challenge for me. Let's just say this started at about 350 words, but I'm trying, any input is well appreciated!!

I can kinda see your diversity change but I would find a better way to connect your first paragraph with the second. Moving to Pittsburgh and then talking about Spanish, it just seems superficial to me without any underlying principle. sorry, it just wasn't very clear to me and I read it over a couple of times.

Yeah I see what you are saying, I guess I'm just having trouble because I am a non-traditional transfer student, I am 23 years old and I have a lot of experiences I want to share but the word limit is killing me.

Would ending the first paragraph with how important I think being bi-lingual is connect the two paragraphs better. Are there any sentences that I could leave out?

Run on sentence:

I discovered true diversity; it's not always about clothes, skin color, hairstyle, musical preference, or sexual orientation, but instead about the person on the inside.

Or...

I discovered true diversity. It's not always about clothes, skin color, hairstyle, musical preference, or sexual orientation; it's about the person on the inside.

Ok, you have two different essays going on here, one with a great idea and example, the other being kind of superficial and confusing. I see what you are trying to say with your first paragraph, but it doesn't really answer the question and is too abstract. The idea for the second paragraph directly answers the question, and the topic is great. Focus on your experience learning Spanish while scuba diving. You can have a lot of fun really describing the experience tangibly, and what you learned about communication. I know, these prompts suck. They want you to fit yourself and your life experiences into a tiny word count but that's just what you gotta do:) It's easy to want to include all of your ideas, learning experiences and life lessons but it just doesn't work.

In sum, focus on the second paragraph and talk about that experience. make sure you narrate/illustrate experience beyond simply saying what you learned from it. show us.

"board a vessel at sea, under the Costa Rican sky, about to venture to an underwater world for the first time, my dive partner and I suited up. We shared our enthusiasm in a language not my own, my world broadened again. It's refreshing, experiencing new cultures, underwater and above. I was left Costa Rica with new experiences but most importantly a friend"

Here's the root idea/story for your essay in my opinion. Obviously this is just the idea, not the essay yet.

Your right, thanks, I've give it another go focusing entirely on the second paragraph.

purl81 is right. You have 2 different essays going on. Focus on the second half; it discusses a specific experience that exemplifies how diversity has influenced you. Talk about how talking in a language that is not your native tongue is difficult, but you still push "the boundaries" as you put it so nicely, to expand your world. Maybe even go into more detail about the first time you went diving.

Just remember that the essay isn't a resume. While you do want to sound focused and goal-oriented, don't give them a laundry list of how you are expanding your world ("play guitar, write poetry, wakeboarding, road tripped across country, helped an animal, fed the hungry..."). Stick with ONE example and go with it.

So to recap:
1) Choose one string of thought. Stick to it.
2) Now that you are writing only one essay, get into the specifics. The details are what bring out your personality- don't glaze over them. I know its hard, trust me, I have the same problem.

3) Go over some of your grammar with a fine toothed comb. I saw a mistake here or there that I think people have already commented on, so keep an eye open.

Just had to say keep your last sentence. I think its perfect for what your going for.
Hope this helps! I would really appreciate it if you could check out my essay if you get the chance.