Why Swarthmore? International student writing about political liberal

Hi, I am an international student applying this year, and I do think I need some help on my Swarthmore essay. It's currently 25 words over the limit, so I am really hoping someone can tell me which part is verbose. Thanks in advance!

"Swarthmore College has given students the knowledge, insight, skills, and experience to become leaders for the common good."
This very first sentence I read about Swarthmore touches me to the heart.
I am desperate for anything that prepares me for my dream of being a political scientist, being someone who is going to contribute to social freedom, justice, and peace.

So I fell in love with Swarthmore, at the first sight.
Gradually, the more closer I look into the school, the more I feel like Swarthmore and I are a perfect match.
As an international student who decides to maximize my undergraduate study in US, I am fascinated by the special, limitless liberal arts education. The emphasis on academics at Swarthmore magnifies such an education, for here the exploration of all subjects contains great depth instead of shallow attempt. And its small class size gives me brilliant opportunity to study directly under the political scientists such as James Kurth, Dominic Tierney and Ben Berger.

Most importantly, all kinds of thoughts are going to prosper here, and all kinds of thoughts will be cultivated. The political liberal atmosphere is what I have been dreaming of. No one will stare at my claims of equally respected gender roles in society, or the "grandiloquent" faith in democracy and social justice. In contrast, I will find a lot of like-minders, as well as a lot of different but provoking thoughts. At Swarthmore, I am sure to adopt more progressive yet prudent ideas as I become a more mature thinker.

To me, Swarthmore is never a just famous name. It's the place where I can see my dreams glow.

"Swarthmore College has given students the knowledge, insight, skills, and experience to become leaders for the common good."
This very first sentence I read about Swarthmore touches me to the heart.
I feel like this opening statement is trying too hard to impress the reader. I mean, the sentence seems pretty vague and it could apply to any other college. If you really want to showcase your interest in the college, write about maybe known events or classes that the college offers and how it interests you.

Most importantly, all kinds of thoughts are going to prosper here, and all kinds of thoughts will be cultivated.
Also, I think you should add an 'I believe' after the most importantly because you truly don't know how a college will affect you until you actually go to one. Other than that, great essay! I hope I've helped a little!

Hi, Sasha,
Thanks for your help! Actually, for the very first sentence, I wanted to differentiate Swarthmore from other top colleges, for people have been saying that Williams is preppy, Amherst is more politically isolated, but Swarthmore students are mostly liberals (Of course correct me if I am wrong, after all things heard from the other side of Pacific is not always precise.) What I am trying to say is that what I am concerned is what Swarthmore also try to teach the students. Any ideas on how to express this? Thanks!

Cindy, I believe before you came up with your essay and application to Swarthmore,
you did your research and a little digging, well, I did too and I believe there are a few students
here on EF that are also rooting for the same Institution.

Now, what I always advise the students is to do a healthy competition and compare each others work,
this way you will have ideas on what to and what not to write in your essay.

Overall review of your essay, a little bit weak, I believe we can strengthen it by changing the words into
stronger ones, words with conviction, words that will justify your agenda for the institution. Not only this, you can also
work on the structure of the sentences, make sure that you have a smooth transition of ideas from beginning
to the end of the essay.

I hope my insights help when you do the revision.

Hi, Ivy,
Thanks a lot for your advice! I do will work on my expressions and details to make it more convincing and powerful. But your words remind me of something I had in mind when I first wrote this essay. I'll really appreciate it if you can help viewing my thoughts.

At the very beginning, I was thinking of a more personal, more narrative approach. Swarthmore is really a special school to me. From the first day I decided to go to US for college, I dreamed of studying at Swarthmore. I wanted to write about how I told the reporter that my dream school is Swarthmore College in the very first interview in my life (while the usual choices among kids are Tsinghua University, Peking University, or HYP for students going abroad,) how my debate coach (who is a Swarthmore alumni) amazed and influenced me with the things he learnt and his experience at Swarthmore, and how I made every effort trying to visit Swarthmore during my summer school in Boston but finally failed to get dean's permission to leave (I was under 18 and had no company for that travel then.) These might be little details but that makes my obsession with Swarthmore looks alive. I don't know whether the school will regard it as minute, unnecessary, overly emotional details, or something with strong emotional connection.

I asked my school English teacher to view my essay (We have no counselor, obviously, in the traditional curriculum Chinese high school I attend.) She thought these details were unnecessary and unsuitable to a only 250 words essay. She suggested me to write something conclusive and shows my understanding of the school. I took her advice and wrote the essay above, for she is really experienced and sent her own daughter to Swarthmore (though she didn't attend Swarthmore and chose Harvard, and that was in 2011.) But your words suddenly remind me of my original thoughts.

If you got something and comment on my thoughts, I will really appreciate it a lot.