'Swimming' - Common App - Extracurricular activity response

Hi, comments, critiques, anything is much appreciated :) and I will return the favor!

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet.

How am I going to make this crazy interval? Somebody save me. For the past seven years, I have battled, wrestled, toppled and turned with these very thoughts: the main competitor of every swimmer. When I first began competitive swimming, I thought acquiring strength and perfect technique would make me like Michael Phelps. It was not until I reached the age of 13 and hit my first plateau, did I realize that swimming was more than that. Michael Phelps did not become an Olympic Gold-Medalist with just physical strength, and technique. He won those 14 gold medals by telling himself everyday, when his limbs screamed achingly for mercy, that he could keep going.

Four years later, I am still fighting against these discouraging voices, but I have been triumphing more and more frequently. Whenever faced with a seemingly impossible task and my mind begins to sprout doubts, I recall what my coach has always said, and charge full speed against the reins. "It is all up in the head."

Hey altang1!

I think it's a very great essay. I don't find anything really wrong with it. I think your introduction is very catchy and your conclusion really caps your essay =)!

Good luck!

You can mention Michael Phelps, but talk more about yourself.

I only have a few minor problems with grammar and syntax like I think "achingly" at the and of the first paragraph is a little unnecessary. You also need to add a comma after toppled and "not until I turned 13" might work better than "not until I reached the age of 13" but idk if that works in context. Also, instead of saying "did I realize swimming was more than that" maybe say something like "was swimming more than physical"?

I agree with strawberry78 but I really like it!

Good luck! It's a great short answer!

Not all admissions officers know what an interval means in terms of swimming. BRIEFLY elaborate what that means so the officers know what you are talking about.

Thank you guys for all the helpful critiques! :) I've edited according to all your notes and am about to turn it in, yay! Thanks again and good luck to you all too!

it is very well written essay.
it gets the point across in a few short lines!
The beginning entices the reader

You need to talk about your self more and and less about Phelps. It's unnecessary for example to mention how many medals he's won and such but more important to mention what you have done.

other than that nicely done! The wording is great