"It takes more than good academics" - Florida State University Essay

Please i really need some help with this. All comments and suggestions are welcome. Thanks in advance!

Prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires,Artes,Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University.
Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical and intellectual ; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified
in skill, art or craft; and Mores refers to character, custom or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are

reflected in your life.

Out of the three, "Vires,Artes,Mores", I believe that I exemplify "Vires" and "Mores" the best, thought I can also represent "Artes". "Vires"

indicates strength of all sorts. Personally I consider intellectual strength to be the most significant. Through the years I have found myself facing different
challenges that, without intellectual strength, I would have never conquered. One of the biggest misfortunes I had to endure was the death of my paternal

grandmother. She had cancer in her womb and an enlarged heart. She put up a great fight but eventually succumbed to the battle that was waging against her.

It was when she died that I realized how important intellectual strength is. Still attending high school at the time, I had to pull myself together and continue

focusing on my academics. Without intellectual strength, all other strengths would be non-existent. Physical strength is the state of being strong and the ability
to uphold a moral or intellectual position firmly.

"Artes alludes to the beauty". This excerpt from the essay question means so much. Surprisingly a majority of people do not see beauty for what it truly is.

They seem to think that beauty is having physical good looks. Only a few people actually appreciate beauty for what it really is. Beauty comes in all forms. My personal

beauty is in the art of dance. As a dancer, I believe the way my body moves and the way i perform is beauty in itself.

Mores represents character, custom and tradition. Character is when a person has distinctive qualities. These qualities can either be good or bad but in this

society you tend to come across more bad than good. People often imitate what they see on television or what celebrities do. Individuality is being lost as more and more

people surrender to peer pressure. I strongly believe in individuality. If God wanted us to be the same then he would have never made us

differently. Everyone tells me that I have good character. I conduct myself appropriately, treat everyone with utmost respect and I focus on things bigger than myself.

Florida State University is an extraordinary school that I would be honored to attend. I radiate a natural friendliness and I am always eager to learn new things.

It takes more than good academics to be a great student. It also takes determination, having a good head on your shoulders and having good values set in place and that is

what "Vires, Artes, Mores" is all about.

so basically my essay sucks...sigh...well i guess i'll have to write another one and hopefully it will be better...thanks for the advice

Well don't trash it just because of my suggestions. Wait for others to comment on your essay. You have some good topics to expand on in this essay such as your grandmother's death and your dancing capabilities. You just need more focus in your essay. Don't jump around and try to mention things that don't contribute.

Exactly: These are the heart of your essay. Recapping what Vires or Artes means adds nothing.

It occurs to me that dance requires both artes and vires, so you might want to center your essay on that, perhaps mentioning that the strength you derived from that pursuit helped you to cope with the death of your grandmother.

This is my second trial on the essay. Please help me out. Thanks in Advance!
...

The reason Simone wanted you to add this is because you need to expand on it. Right now this sentence is just a awkward attachment.

Okay, I'll write more about it. Any more suggestions or was that the only error?

There needs to be more content in your essay before we go all out on it. Right now it is definitly not nearing it's final stage.

You could have took simone's advice and left your grandmother in.

My third trial. All comments and suggestions are welcomed.
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I believe that I exemplify each of those three words.
^You should come up with a more attention-gripping first statement than this. Think of something that will catch the readers eye, and make them want to continue reading further. Also, consider the idea that the reader might not even know what this essay is supposed to be about. You might want to explain that here.

My intellectual strength can be conveyed by my academic grades and by my ability to solve, not necessarily academic,problems.
^This sentence sounds really choppy. How about 'My intellectual strength can not only be conveyed by my grades, but my ability to solve problems as well.'

Many times some of my classmates would ask me for help in subjects they were struggling with. I would try my best to help them and my assistance was always greatly appreciated. The gratitude they showed made me feel great and it motivated me to continue to build my intellectual strength by learning new things and finding new ways to conquer challenges.

^Consider elaborating on this, or coming up with concrete examples of an instance in which this occured. For all we know, they could have asked you how to kick a soccer ball.

She had cancer in her womb and also and also an enlarged heart.

I remember as if it were yesterday.
^ A reader could be thinking here "remember what?" What is the 'it' you refer to? You should probably explain a little more in this sentence.

The reason a policeman showed up was because my father is on the police force .The policeman said that my grandmother was fading fast so we had to hurry.From this experience, I have learnt to get a good grip on my emotions and handle myself accordingly.

^Change to learned.

"Artes" refers to beauty and beauty comes in all forms. A
^This doesn't flow right. Try something along the lines of "Artes refers to beauty, and the idea that beauty can be achieved in all forms."

In my opinion, the way a dancer moves and performs is always a beautiful thing.

"Mores" refers to character and everyone tells me that I have good character.
^Try using a thesaurus to find a stronger word than "good."

Florida State University is a wonderful school that I would love to attend. I am generous and radiate a natural friendliness. I am a very entertaining

person and will be a positive impact on the campus with all my "Vires", "Artes" and "Mores".
^What does that have to do with what you just told us?

"The true perfection of man lies not in what man has, but in what man is", said Oscar Wilde. "Vires", "Artes" and "Mores" represent that. Strength comes in all forms and I am very emotionally strong. My paternal grandmother had cancer in her womb and also an enlarged heart. I remember the day she died as if it were yesterday. I was in class when a policeman and my principal appeared at the door. My heart sank because I knew something was wrong. The policeman said that my grandmother was fading fast so we had to hurry. When we arrived at the hospital I saw one of my cousins crying and I knew we were too late. I entered her hospital room to find that my other cousin had flung himself on top of her and was weeping uncontrollably. My heart ached and my vision blurred with my tears. Still attending high school, I had to deal with exams and grief for my grandmother simultaneously. If I was going to do well I had to pull myself together and stay focused and that is exactly what I did. From this experience, I learned to get a good grip on my emotions and handle myself accordingly.

I conduct myself appropriately, treat everyone with utmost respect and focus on things bigger than myself such as helping others. I have been involved in several food and clothing drives. One drive I was involved in, organized by my school, helped Haiti. Haiti had been hit by three storms in one month. Tropical Storm Hanna killed 137 people and the damage done was immense. We were encouraged to bring in canned food and clothes. At the end of a one-week period a few students and staff, including myself, packed everything up and gave it to the Red Cross that send it to Haiti the following day. Another drive, organized by my church, was strictly clothing. After the clothes were brought in we, young members of the congregation, packed up everything and the older members brought it to the Salvation Army that sent it to Nevis where it was distributed in the poorer parts of the island. Each time I felt thrilled that I was doing a good deed. It is always rewarding to know that you are helping someone less fortunate than yourself.

I believe that I exemplify "Vires" and "Mores", I have alot to offer and that I will have a positive impact on campus with my "Vires" and "Mores".