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Tech's motto is Progress and Service. What is your role in your family? Max 150

Crystor 3 / 10 1  
Dec 27, 2016   #1
This is the question: Tech's motto is Progress and Service. We find that students who ultimately have a broad impact first had a significant one at home. What is your role in your immediate or extended family? And how have you seen evidence of your impact on them?

nice and neat home

The English books were thrown on the refrigerator and under the sofa. The dumbbell has grown rust in the corner. I found my parents gradually losing the passion of life when my mom stopped learning English and my father gave up working out. Wondering why, I looked around the room and suddenly realized - our living place was really messy. How can we live a passionate life when living in a mess?

Therefore, I decided to change the situation. Spending a whole morning arranging and organizing, I made function zone notes, stuck them to each area and swept all over my back. I persuaded my parents to help me put stuff in order.

By nightfall, standing together in our nice and neat home, we felt excited instead of exhausted. Understanding that maintaining a clean home is the foundation for an organized life, we promised to keep this custom in the future.

'I learned new words about food today!' 'And I went hiking!' I brought motivation back to my family.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,919 4800  
Dec 27, 2016   #2
Zhao, your role in your immediate family is not clear. Are you the oldest child? The middle child? What were your duties and responsibilities as bestowed upon you by your parents? Why did you feel the need to organize the house when it fell into disarray? Was keeping house part of your chores? You did not really make your position in the family clear. So you should work on first introducing your role in the family before you present the problem that you had to resolve.

Can you explain how you equated the mess of your home with the lack of inspiration in the household? There is no clear connection or explanation that connects the two. After all, there are some homes that are messy and yet the members are quite productive. They just did not have the time to clean the house on a daily or weekly basis.

You cannot assume that you can just tell the reviewer that your family made a pact to keep the house clean, or was it to clean the house as a family? You did not make that point clear either. The motivation of your family because of the clean house should be shown as a progressive development thanks to your influence. It cannot be reduced to a single sentence that says you motivated them without evidence of how you did it.

Basically, the premise of the essay is sound but the execution is faulty. I have provided you with some guidance regarding how to best address the problem points. I hope that you will opt to apply the changes. I am looking forward to reading the revised version when you are ready to present it.
OP Crystor 3 / 10 1  
Dec 27, 2016   #3
I want to express I always bring new things to my family. I always taught my parents how to use their phones and computers. I encourage them to learn new things instead of staying in their comfort zone. But I can't find an appropriate way to describe.

So I am thinking that the question mentioned extended family. Can I write about my volunteer experience? The family is that community and the impact would be the volunteer service??
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,919 4800  
Dec 28, 2016   #4
Zhao, if you want to still use the original essay, you can call yourself the "tie that binds the family together" or "The great family organizer". You only need an interesting title to call yourself to serve as the hook for the essay that you wrote. However, creating a title for you in the family will require you to create a new opening statement that can accurately explain why you call yourself this as a lead into the description of the family life that you have. That way, you will have a connecting paragraph that seamlessly connects the example with the explanation.

You can also write about your extended family based upon your volunteer experience. However, I am not sure about what information you plan to present in it so I would need to read the draft of the essay before I can decide if it will be useful and more helpful to your application than the first essay.

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