Hey everyone, please review my personal statement. My second essay is good. Im aiming for Berkeley so please critique this essay all you want.
Moving from India at the age of three, I have spent most of my life in a home with air conditioning, continuous running water, and constant electricity. However, upon my visits to India, I was deprived of such luxuries that I was used to. My brief vacations to my native land and regular phone calls to cousins have contributed to my aspiration of becoming a doctor.
Since I saw my grandparents once every two years, every second spent in their presence was precious. One night, sitting on the ground in our house in India, my grandparents casually talked with my cousins and me. As our chatting continued, my brother asked my grandfather what his dream was as a child. The laughter that came was surprising, but the words that followed were unforgettable. He replied saying,"I dreamed of one day becoming a doctor but due to political struggles of the nation and economic hardships on my family, this dream never became reality." Such words, resonating in my head, helped instigate my passion for biology and made me consider the field of medicine.
"Your cousin passed away today." There was a certain numbness that fell over me as these words entered my ear. My father's serious face peered at me with sorrow and support as I began to comprehend the true meaning of that sentence. Muted with the lump in my throat, I managed to mumble an incoherent "Oh." Turning around and holding my true feelings inside, I walked to my room thinking about what will be deprived in the next trip to India. No more cheek pinching on first sight. No more asking me "Where do you want to eat tonight?" No more late night strolls in the neighborhood. At a young age of 24, my cousin was diagnosed with Tuberculosis. Despite being prescribed to strong medication, his body was not able to fight the war with the foreign creatures in his lungs, and within six years, the toxic animals emerged victorious.
Although being raised on the opposite side of my birthplace, every loss of a family member and precious time with close relatives has greatly contributed to my long term goals. Such instances throughout my life are like lego blocks; each heartfelt incident binds itself to others and amplifies amplifies my desire to pursuer a medical career.
amplifies is put twice at the end :)
This essay is very good and very detailed which is what the uc's are looking for. The sensory details is what got me. If your second essay isnt to lon i would say build on this one, you should describe your world a little more and then show how being exposed to th eother world has made you want to be a doctor. This essay is in the right direction. Good Luck :)
im in the same field. i decided to do nursing cause of my personal experiences to. but its my inner qualities that drives me. ie. i feel good when i help people, i feel comfortable around them, i wanted to make a difference
--------------------------------------
NEED A THESIS STATEMENT
-so you decided to become a doctor because of your previous experiences with the sick / NOW that what i call passion
-in the intro talk about your passion
-body P'S ; you could emphasize with your father. how did he feel about helping the sick. did he relate any stories or talk about his feelings or the problems that exist/
the second body p-is awesome your cousin passing away was the catalyst --you saw what he was going through. feel a strong need to make a difference. -put that as your first body p
-need a conclusion ie my inspiration to become a doctor comes my intrinsic need to alleviate the pain and suffering of the sick
--------------------------------------
Moving from India at the age of three, I have spent most of my life in a home with air conditioning, continuous running water, and constant electricity. However, upon my visits to India, I was deprived of such luxuries that I was used to. My brief vacations to my native land and regular phone calls to cousins have contributed to my aspiration of becoming a doctor.
Since I saw my grandparents once every two years, every second spent in their presence was precious. One night, sitting on the ground in our house in India, my grandparents casually talked with my cousins and me. As our chatting continued, my brother asked my grandfather what his dream was as a child. The laughter that came was surprising, but the words that followed were unforgettable. He replied saying,"I dreamed of one day becoming a doctor but due to political struggles of the nation and economic hardships on my family, this dream never became reality." Such words, resonating in my head, helped instigate my passion for biology and made me consider the field of medicine.
"Your cousin passed away today." There was a certain numbness that fell over me as these words entered my ear. My father's serious face peered at me with sorrow and support as I began to comprehend the true meaning of that sentence. Muted with the lump in my throat, I managed to mumble an incoherent "Oh." Turning around and holding my true feelings inside, I walked to my room thinking about what will be deprived in the next trip to India. No more cheek pinching on first sight. No more asking me "Where do you want to eat tonight?" No more late night strolls in the neighborhood. At a young age of 24, my cousin was diagnosed with Tuberculosis. Despite being prescribed to strong medication, his body was not able to fight the war with the foreign creatures in his lungs, and within six years, the toxic animals emerged victorious.
Although being raised on the opposite side of my birthplace, every loss of a family member and precious time with close relatives has greatly contributed to my long term goals. Such instances throughout my life are like lego blocks; each heartfelt incident binds itself to others and amplifies amplifies my desire to pursuer a medical career.
i was going to add more to the essay but the problem is that my second essay is around 680 words and i dont want to make my first essay too long so the total words go over 1000.
thanks a lot for the help.
