Hello all! I have just recently completed my personal statement for UC's. The question and essay is included below. Please critique my essay harshly! Thanks!
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
""Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing's going to get better, it's not." Striving to carry out the deed that the Lorax started, I entered high school with the determination to change the world from grey to green. I wanted to make a difference in the environment and joining Science Club was my chance to put that idea into action. Science Club allowed me to take part in our environmental clean ups and recycling program at school; however, there was an even greater force that lay ahead of me on my four year quest.
As a freshman, I did not know what to expect from all the clubs, which one should I sign up for? In the corner of my eye, I spotted the words, "Reuse the Past, Recycle the Present, and SAVE THE FUTURE! Join Science Club!" I was attracted, but not because of the deceptive spiels, free candy, or flashy billboard signs that read, "PLEASE Join our club!", but by Science Club's objectives and goals for the future of our world. I wrote my name on the sign-up sheet with my own 0.7 mm green Pilot pen: let the pursuit begin.
As a Science Club officer for three years, I was invited to attend a district-wide environment meeting. The meeting was going to be held on Friday after school; none of my fellow officers were going and attending the meeting would mean that I would have to miss swimming practice for the first time in my life. Swimming and I were inseparable. Nonetheless, saving the world comes before swimming- the water can wait. Going alone was not something I coped with well, especially because I don't try to "sell myself" to find new friends, but I always make it through. Even in science club I was alone, but as time progressed, I unexpectedly gained new friends and accomplished a variety of goals. From coordinating restaurant fundraisers to making our school recycling system more efficient, I've done it all. We've already began to buy a section of the Redwood Forests with the money we raised. Nothing could stop my leaf storm of ideas.
Everyone had their own vision of how we could improve our schools (i.e. installing more solar panels, advocating to recycle more often, and turning off the lights during school), but I had a different thought all together. I left the meeting with a sense that everybody was really intrigued with my idea and that they might be putting it into action. Throughout the summer, my idea flourished into plans which were evolved into a message: "Our five schools in the district will combine forces to create a district garden to benefit our community; our world should follow suit." As I entered the first meeting, I was alone with nobody. However as I leave high school, I will walk out with invaluable friends and a planted idea that has germinated to become Fremont-Ians Enabling Real Change in the Environment.
F.I.E.R.C.E."
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
""Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing's going to get better, it's not." Striving to carry out the deed that the Lorax started, I entered high school with the determination to change the world from grey to green. I wanted to make a difference in the environment and joining Science Club was my chance to put that idea into action. Science Club allowed me to take part in our environmental clean ups and recycling program at school; however, there was an even greater force that lay ahead of me on my four year quest.
As a freshman, I did not know what to expect from all the clubs, which one should I sign up for? In the corner of my eye, I spotted the words, "Reuse the Past, Recycle the Present, and SAVE THE FUTURE! Join Science Club!" I was attracted, but not because of the deceptive spiels, free candy, or flashy billboard signs that read, "PLEASE Join our club!", but by Science Club's objectives and goals for the future of our world. I wrote my name on the sign-up sheet with my own 0.7 mm green Pilot pen: let the pursuit begin.
As a Science Club officer for three years, I was invited to attend a district-wide environment meeting. The meeting was going to be held on Friday after school; none of my fellow officers were going and attending the meeting would mean that I would have to miss swimming practice for the first time in my life. Swimming and I were inseparable. Nonetheless, saving the world comes before swimming- the water can wait. Going alone was not something I coped with well, especially because I don't try to "sell myself" to find new friends, but I always make it through. Even in science club I was alone, but as time progressed, I unexpectedly gained new friends and accomplished a variety of goals. From coordinating restaurant fundraisers to making our school recycling system more efficient, I've done it all. We've already began to buy a section of the Redwood Forests with the money we raised. Nothing could stop my leaf storm of ideas.
Everyone had their own vision of how we could improve our schools (i.e. installing more solar panels, advocating to recycle more often, and turning off the lights during school), but I had a different thought all together. I left the meeting with a sense that everybody was really intrigued with my idea and that they might be putting it into action. Throughout the summer, my idea flourished into plans which were evolved into a message: "Our five schools in the district will combine forces to create a district garden to benefit our community; our world should follow suit." As I entered the first meeting, I was alone with nobody. However as I leave high school, I will walk out with invaluable friends and a planted idea that has germinated to become Fremont-Ians Enabling Real Change in the Environment.
F.I.E.R.C.E."