-This is an Essay for undergraduate transfer.
-Question:
"In 300 words or less, describe how your academic interest and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study at Illinois."
-My Intended Program of Study: Aerospace Engineering
-My response:
I know I can achieve it
"If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it."~ Jesse Jackson. As I read this quote from the well-known civil rights activist, Baptist minister, politician, and University of Illinois alumni; I thought about the mark he left on our planet. I feel that if accepted to the Aerospace Engineering program at University of Illinois, I can leave my own mark as well. Since I could walk, I had always been fascinated with creating, fixing, and exploring. From being in the taking in the Science club in elementary school, to being in the underwater aquabotics team at middle school, to joining the National Society of Black Engineers (NSBE); my thirst for more knowledge in the engineering field has always been my drive. I didn't always know what I wanted to be when I "grew up." I just knew that I always had a passion for helping people, and a passion for space science. My desire to help those in need, mixed with my many years of experience in the STEM fields, made me realize that one of my main goals is to be an aeronautical engineer, or an astronaut, and to help change the world through intergalactic sciences. I believe the University of Illinois Aerospace Engineering program will help fuel my drive to achieve this goal. I feel that current school I am attending is not realistic choice for me to achieve my goals. I know that the University of Illinois will give me the platform I need to succeed. My mind has conceived my goals, and my heart has believed them. All that is left for me to do is achieve them.
-281 words
-The essay is due October 15, I plan to turn in before October 5
-Please let me know how I make this essay better, if there are any mistakes, or if the whole thing needs to be changed.
-Please be harsh.
-If you are engineering student, that would be preferred, and if you are an engineering student at UIUC, that would be even more preferred.
-My grades in high school were sub-par, and my ACT/SAT were average.
-Any and all feedback will be helpful.
-Thank you!Hello,
I am a final year Computer Science and Engineering student. I have a few points in mind which would certainly make your essay better.
1. The quote which you used at the beginning of the essay needs to be used in a much better way. Something along the lines of Quoting the great Jesse Jackson, a well-known civil rights activist, minister, politician and University alum, "If my mind can ... I can achieve it", I firmly stand by this because.... You could completely remove the quote too because it's using a lot of words, and the essay word limit needs to be strictly followed.
2. You need to mention as to why you would want to be an Aeronautical Engineer. In your essay, you do mention the fact that one of your main goals is to be an Astronaut/Aeronautical Engineer, but the reasons for it need to be explained better. A suggestion would be to add more details to justify your passion for space science.
3. There are multiple grammar mistakes in the essay. You may use a grammar detection tool to rectify them. That should help you out.
4. Try breaking up the entire essay into paragraphs so that it follows a theme. If you stick to the quotes, make sure that your first paragraph only talks about the quote and how it is inspiring to you. The second paragraph should talk about your achievements and credentials, and the final paragraph should give a clear indicator as to why you want to transfer to the UIUC program instead of sticking to the current program. Don't criticize your current school, though.
This is all that I could come up with so far. If you need any more help, do let me know.
Goodluck! :D
