Please correct and critique
You have 150 words. Take a risk.
Let me take you across the Pacific and intrigue you. I will make you trek across the Himalayas and into the city of Kathmandu, my home. I will lead you to my rooftop, where you will see the ends the valley and the peeking mountains. We will then travel the countryside in a night bus, racing the cows and the street dogs. A flight, a train, and a bus and you will reach my school, located in a remote town in India where the backdrop is the ice-glazed mountain. You will walk up the jagged steep path with me, from my dorm to my school; do not be surprised if we come across a monkey or two. I will serve you pizzas mixed with Indian spices and hot masala chai whilst the trees sway in the cool evening breeze and the drone of the Muslim prayer chants engulf the hills.
You have 150 words. Take a risk.
Let me take you across the Pacific and intrigue you. I will make you trek across the Himalayas and into the city of Kathmandu, my home. I will lead you to my rooftop, where you will see the ends the valley and the peeking mountains. We will then travel the countryside in a night bus, racing the cows and the street dogs. A flight, a train, and a bus and you will reach my school, located in a remote town in India where the backdrop is the ice-glazed mountain. You will walk up the jagged steep path with me, from my dorm to my school; do not be surprised if we come across a monkey or two. I will serve you pizzas mixed with Indian spices and hot masala chai whilst the trees sway in the cool evening breeze and the drone of the Muslim prayer chants engulf the hills.