Heya - thank u for viewing my essay , please give me some advise:)
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
And i think the beginning is a bit strange, have u got any idea to change it?
I was admitted into Shanghai High School with a high score in the entrance exam. While most people regarded my admission with envy, I wasn't able to be proud of my freshman year. I attended the school like a beaver struggling in the upriver rapids. Academic competitions, Science Debates, Student Union work, and other school activities did not attract me because I was merely a humble, low ranked ordinary student and I hated failures so that I dared not have a try. However, I was fascinated with the standard soccer pitch in the school. Never had I seen such a verdant field with a wonderful open space. Never had any young soccer lover seen such a plain view without any skyscrapers, airplanes or electric wires. Only the vast sky released my depressed spirit from scores and honors. Thus, I started to concentrate more on sports events especially soccer. Like taking a math course, I took up soccer training after school every day. Though that was exhausting to run several miles after sitting eight hours in classroom and extremely boring to chase a ball in order to score a goal like seeking after a key to solve a geometry problem, yet I found it exuberant to feel my desire for victory. Kicking a ball with six other teammates, I also noticed that not only I but we, seven guys were looking forward to a real victory, which should be totally different from what is in our daily plays. Soon, there came the chance. The Little League called "Yuansheng Cup" came about as a great opportunity for us to show our talent in soccer and eagerness to win.
The first match was still like a dream to me as if it had never happened. We were all excited and of course, a little nervous to play our first match against seven freshmen of the same aged and maybe of similar awkward techniques. We were not so timid and unlike amateurs at the beginning. Controlling the ball by passing around and having conducted some shoots, we seven were commanding the pace well and thus our confidence grew; so did our chance. We dominated the game; later on, we broke the deadlock. I tackled the striker, passed the ball to Sam and spurted along the left wing. Sam, a skillful dribbler, moved forward at a fairly low speed but with his eyes scanning the whole pitch; the ball found Davis, who hid at the right sideline. There was no defender except the keeper before Davis because I, together with Kevin and King, beguiled the full backs into our attacking trap. Davis scored! And we did it, our first goal. We had a happy ending in the first half. However, looking down on our opponents posed the adversity to us that just a second after the second half whistle, we conceded a goal. As the team leader, I couldn't be more clear-headed than ever about the situation in which we guys were struggling: we wanted a victory. I shouted to my fighters, "C'mon, guys! It's time to knock them a BLOW!" Afterwards, we were back to seize the match. Sam blocked their shoot and gave the ball to me. I glanced at the goal in the mid-field and, without hesitation, took a full-strengthened shoot. The curving bird flew above the keeper's digits, hit the left side-bar, glided along the line and kissed the right side-bar. 2-1! What a miracle! Even David Beckham couldn't have scored such a goal. Finally, we won our first game on the appealing pitch.
Heretofore, we, the seven members in the soccer team, have experienced wins and losses; we have realized that past victories were merely past glories and we should always keep on fighting for the next victory; we have as well perceived that defeats are not that horrible and unacceptable, but they disclose our weakness and shortcomings; what's more, we have become popular among our classmates: girls have watched every game in which they cried out to encourage us and provided us with soft-drinks; other boys have begun practicing soccer as a pastime. I, myself, have learned a lot from soccer. To me, the purpose of a match is not to score a goal, not to beat the defense, not to win the match but to have one try, then another, another and another. I started to think more about my school life, my study and my future. I sought ways to work more efficiently; I asked for a chance to support the class debate team as a substitute; I submitted the application to the Student Union; and still, I played for my soccer team.
Through the years in my school, I have been exploiting every minute to "tries". Instead of day-dreaming, planning or contemplating, I believe that trying is always the first step to success. Now, I am trying for the best university in the world and I am trying to further my "tries" in a new land, a new environment.
Good evening.
Well, you can't have a score "in" an exam; you can have one "on" an exam, so that will help the awkwardness of that sentence.
Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "wasn't" should be "was not."
Make sure you are properly capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For example, "Science Debates" shouldn't be capitalized.
Generally, unless you are being ironic or using sarcasm, titles of things don't need to be enclosed in quotation marks. When you do use them, make sure your punctuation is always included inside of them, not outside.
"...my "tries" in a new land..." The word "tries" is awkward here; how about "attempts?"
I hope this helps!
Regards,
Gloria
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