UGRAD SOP - US can broaden up my horizons

Hey. Here is my statement of purpose for Global ugrad. Can someone review it please?

active, vocal and outspoken

I am a very vocal and outspoken person. I had never been the one to sit back and just watch. I like to lead from the front and to organize everything on my own. I aspire to bring about the change that I want to see in the society. Even in my school life, I never settled upon achieving good grades only in fact I participated in each of the extracurricular activities, whether it be sports, speeches, hosting functions, commentating in sport festivals or quiz competitions because I wanted to give a shot to everything so that I wouldn't regret later. I love to read & to watch American tv series in my free time.

From my early childhood, there was one thing that my parents particularly instilled in my mind that always give your best and then don't worry about the results. I had always been a high achiever(topper) but not the one who crams every single word. I did my intermediate from one of the best colleges in Pakistan; Punjab College, on full scholarship.

I am currently in the 3rd semester of bachelors(hons) in biosciences. I choose biosciences because it is a vast field. I didn't want to restrict myself to any of the subfields of biology at such an early stage because I want to explore more options until I zero down my options to one particular research field that aspires me the most.

Being one of the most developed countries in the world, travelling to the US can actually broaden up my horizons, and it can help me achieve a new & different outlook upon the world. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity and it help me to enhance the softer image of Pakistan.

Umta, this is a god draft. For the second draft, you will need to omit certain references in this essay as these do not pertain to the reasons why you would make a an excellent / qualified candidate for the program. Please remove the following portions of your presentation:

1. I love to read ... my free time.
2. I choose biosciences because ...aspires me the most.
3. Being one of the most developed countries in the world... softer image of Pakistan.

You can keep the part about you being enrolled in your 3rd semester of Biosciences. You just need to make sure that the reviewer is clear about this also being the reason why you will return to Pakistan at the end of the program. Describe the plans you have for upon your return to Pakistan in terms of enhancing the US-Pakistan relations and how you hope to share what you learned with your classmates and professors in order to improve the bioscience education sector in Pakistan. Reiterate your desire to return home at the end of the program because of specific reasons.

The essay will be in a more suitable version once these corrections and suggestions are applied. It will also highlight the most important aspect of your application which is to experience American life, an American education, but not a desire to stay in America after the program is completed.