UPenn Supp-I'M JUST A STORY-TELLER(WHY ESSAY)

This is my first draft. Any comments or suggestions are welcome.Thanks!
BTW: I use a kind of connection to connect each paragraph, does it feel strange or misleading, or hard to understand? I'm not so sure about my connection part.

THX again!

PROMPT:
Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

I'm just a story-teller, sitting beside the window of my home on an early morning. I close my eyes and lose myself in the fascination with and desire to attend the University of Pennsylvania. I picture myself wandering among book shelves and appreciating the mixed fragrance of coffee and old books.

I become a student reading a book about human rights in the Van Pelt Library and heading for my minor theater arts course next hour. Just got stimulated on my sociology lecture by inspiring ideas of the extraordinarily intellectual professor and peers, I intend to shape my idea into words. I hope that with my enthusiasm and eagerness in learning, my research could not only further my study but also offer an innovative thought to this field. Reading a paragraph about the elderly in the book, I start to envision myself at a hospital of Philadelphia with an old man.

I become a volunteer, hearing an old man telling his miserable story with members of the Center for Advocacy for Rights and Interests of the Elderly. Have volunteered many years with the elderly in high school, I could better understand their feelings of life and feel the fulfillment of "giving while living". I go downstairs to answer a call, during which a student tells me that she is willing to donate her hair to Lock of Love, for our activity making wigs for kids who lose their hair because of disease. Hearing the cheers on the other side of the phone, I start to imagine myself be one of the cheering people, getting more excited as Quakers win every score.

I become a reporter of the Daily Pennsylvania, cheering for Quakers on a soccer game and preparing to conduct an interview with a star player after the game. I check my schedule to make sure that I won't miss our Bloomers show tonight. Although it's my first time to act here, I believe that with my passion and performing experience, I will blend in quickly and give a great performance. Noticing that there is a bag of spicy cookies in my pocket, I start to envisage myself with my Indonesian roommate who gave me this, sharing a leisure time together.

I become an amateur cooker, about to join my friends and let them try my Kung Pao Chicken. My roommate is talking about her idea about a new book while a guy from Spain says he prefers the original Spanish version. Another Bulgarian friend who major in East Asia Study asks me to tell more about where I come from after she amazingly narrates some Bulgarian legends. Having a sip of tea, I start to remind the time when I was in home two years ago, sitting alone beside the window of my house on an early morning

I become just a story-teller, telling you a story in which there is a girl who finds her life in Penn, to learn, to think, to feel, to give, to grow.

You have a strong essay that describes what you've contributed and learnt from the Penn community. However, I think you should write more about what you want to learn more about it. There are also some grammatical errors in the essay and the structure of the start of each paragraph is awkward. It's just my opinion, but you might want to rephrase it. Hope this helps

Just got stimulated by my sociology lecture by inspiring ideas of the extraordinarily intellectual professor and peers, I intend to shape my idea into words.

I thought it was pretty good. It shows that you have a creative side. However, like the guy above me said, there are a few grammatical errors. Also you can try to word the openings of your paragraphs a little bit differently to be more clear as to what you are doing. All in all I liked your essay, Good Job!

I think your essay is really good as far as style goes. Definitely something new. I agree there are errors e.g "I start to imagine myself to be one of the.."

- the connection between your undergrad school and your learning and contribution is not really there how think about how what you want to learn and contributes relates to your school.

however your clear about what kinds of things you hope to learn and what you can contribute. Specific examples are a definite plus they show a clear vision. very imaginative writing

P.s Do u think admission officers would be like a person who wants to do research to alleviate suffering more than a person who wants to help blind kids by spending time with them.

I'm just a story-teller, sitting beside the window of my home on an early morning. I closeClosing my eyes and, I lose myself in the fascination with and desire to attend the University of Pennsylvania.- I picture myselfam wandering among book shelves and appreciating the mixed fragrance of coffee and old books.

I really like your essay~It's creative and cute! And I love the connection between the first and last paragraph. But I think maybe you can paraphrase some sentences to make them more smooth with various sentential forms and connection words. The format of the first sentence of each paragraph can still be worked on. And just like Yaxue said, you can what you want to learn in Penn or how Penn's study can fulfill your goals or dreams. Good job!

Best wishes~