I don't think I will meet the Dec. 1 deadline.
Please help with grammar and comment on content.
Where do you get bored? Where do you get confused? What do you want to know more about?
Anything will help.
Thank you!
Prompt:
USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.
Essay:
The sun blazed on our pale skin as we exited the car and walked bare-foot on top of the rocks that took the place of sand. Looking into the placid waters in front of me, I couldn't help but notice the rapids in the distance. My younger brother broke the awe that I was in by rapidly slipping off his shirt and dashing into the water. He splashed about like a happy child in a tub filled with candy. My uncle took his place below a large rock, laying out a towel to rest on. I, on the other hand, picked up a smooth, flat rock and attempted to skip it. Regardless of how many times I tried, the rock would land in the water, making a "PLUNK" sound and hastily sank to the bottom of the lake.
I looked up from picking suitable rocks to use for skipping and checked on my younger brother to make sure he was safe. I yelled out to him, "James! Don't go towards the stronger currents!" He responded by glaring at me and childishly sticking out his tongue. Since he was born, I had the responsibilities of looking after him. My parents would often be too busy to fully interact with him. Though he was a nuisance, he always knew how to make me smile. I rolled my eyes and watched him carefully as I continued to attempt skipping rocks. "Plunk, plunk, plunk." Rock after rock, try after try, I could not make them skip! As the number of rocks in my hand deteriorated, I looked up to see no younger brother splashing in the water.
My heart beating faster, my skin flushing red, and my eyes searching from side to side, I scanned the area my brother had been in. "Where did he go? I told him not to go in the farther end. That boy is so stupid!" I frantically rushed into the water fully dressed, yelling out his name, "JAMES! JAMES!" Biting on my bottom lip, I looked to my uncle's direction, only to find him not there. So many thoughts rushed through my mind, "What if he's dead? How will mom react? What am I gonna do?" I began to cry without even noticing until afterwards. Streams of hot tears flowed like cascades of a waterfall down into the rushing water.
I had spotted a hand waving and rushed for it without thinking, grabbing a hold of it tightly. A surge of water pushed me down towards the rapids as the hand held on tightly. It was my brother. The gushing water pushed us both as he wrapped his arms around my neck. My brother unintentionally pushed my head down into the water as he tried to find air. My head bobbed up and out of the water momentarily as I gasped for air. The water rushed into my system, causing me to choke. Means of communication was cut-off. All I knew was that we would have to make it to shore somehow. With my brother on top of my back, I jerked my body forward, in attempt to move.
A large current pushed us in the direction of the shore but it had not been enough. My heart was racing but I knew that it was no time to be petrified. The same current that had pushed us to safety carried us back to ruin. My body was more than ready to let out but my mentality and my heart was fighting to keep at it. Again, I lunged my body forward only to be pushed back down. I remained determined and before I knew it, a series of waves pushed us to security. With rocks under my feet, never had I ever been so happy to see the solid earth in front of me.
My brother rolled off my back and onto the shallow surface of the water. Our gazes facing the bright, blue sky, we heaved heavily with our chests rising to the heavens and falling back down to the earth. My heroic antics were only noticed by my equally exhausted brother sprawled beside me. I realized that what I had done was stupid. I put myself in danger and both of us could have died. But if I did not jump in, my brother would have been gone forever. I took the chance. And succeeded.
My younger brother broke the awe that I was in by rapidly slipping off his shirt and dashing into the water. - awkward phrasing
As the number of rocks in my hand deteriorated - not deteriorated, try decreased or diminished
I looked up to see no younger brother splashing in the water. - I looked up and didn't see my younger brother in the water
I scanned the area my brother had been in - add with anguish
Streams of hot tears flowed like cascades of a waterfall down into the rushing water. - unnecessary, just make you sound erudite
Means of communication was cut-off - unclear. I couldn't talk. maybe?
I remained determined and before I knew it , - with an immense amount of luck.
shallow surface of the water - shallow water is enough
conclusion fits more like a risk you've taken. Try incorporate how although what you did was stupid, you rushed because you realized that your brother was the most important thing to you, even more than your own life.
yang
Streams of hot tears flowed like cascades of a waterfall down into the rushing water. - 'unnecessary, just make you sound erudite'
as for this sentence, would keeping it or omitting it make the essay better?
- - -
And how do you feel about the content?
Do you think it is relevant to the point that it works?
Any suggestions to what I should add?
Thanks!
as for this sentence, would keeping it or omitting it make the essay better?
Depends on how you view it. If you want power in your essay, then make your essay fast paced and keep hooking the reader. If you want poetry in your essay, then this serves the point, but kills the momentum a bit. So it's up to you.
Again, I would rework on the conclusion because it doesn't fit with the rest of the story in which you CLEARLY said how much you love your bro, which is the topic.
Otherwise, well written and organized, and nice story.
