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USC: What is important? (500-700 chars)



TimMill 9 / 62  
Nov 23, 2009   #1
Alright, so I'm fed up with writing essays, so I'm recycling an essay from another college, with a slightly different prompt. Yeah, I changed it a little, but now I have one question to ask you guys:

Do I answer the new prompt?

Here it is:

USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.

and here's the essay:

Diversity is important. Allow me to tell you a story.

It was not until I stopped speaking English that I began to think about the meanings of words; until I left the country that I realized what America stands for; until I understood nothing that I truly understood myself. Here, in a foreign country, speaking a strange language, and even living with a new family, I have realized that diversity is not something that can be simply defined-- as hard as we might try to visualize ourselves in somebody else's shoes, that picture will never be the same as what we see actually walking in them

I worked in a senior living home for almost three years, and I used to try to picture life from the residents' points of view. Quickly though, I realized the impossibility of what I was attempting- these people all had decades of experiences behind them, dozens of friends, and entire families- their lives were all entirely unique. Aside from being grouped under the same label of "senior", the residents had nothing in common. They had different likes and dislikes, they had different goals, and they even had different perceptions of the same events. It didn't take me the whole three years to realize that experience, not demographic groups, shapes how people think.

Why then, do we value diversity? If demographic groups are indefinable, why do we strive so hard to incorporate them? Simply put, the value of diversity is that a diverse group has collectively has more experiences and perspectives than a homogenous population. These experiences, though, are personal- being old doesn't make seniors valuable, the experiences that they have lived through makes them valuable. The same is true culture wise- coming from Colombia doesn't make somebody valuable, but the experiences and perspective gained from the Colombian way of life are invaluable.

This year, I'm living in Lübeck, Germany, as an exchange student and as an ambassador of the United States of America. Once again, I find myself among a world that I that I cannot completely comprehend. This time, though, I am the diversity- my American experiences are new here. From introducing quesadillas to giving input on global politics, I offer a new perspective here that adds to the cultural mix.

Diversity doesn't always reveal itself so quickly, though. For my first few weeks here in Germany, I was enrolled in a language camp at a local community college. Also in my class were two dozen other foreigners- there was the eighty-year old Russian couple, the Persian father and son, the seventeen-year old Turkish bride, the Jordanian schoolteacher, and more. By any traditional meaning, this group was the very definition of diversity. Without means of communication, though, that diversity remained untapped- any perception that we might have learned from each other was lost to in communication. Four weeks later, though, we could understand each other on a basic level. While the diversity of the group had not changed, it could only then be taken advantage of.

Language is only one part of unlocking diversity, though. Truly taking advantage of diversity requires language, but also a mutual willingness to learn and exchange. Only then can a person- or, in this case, college- truly reap the maximum benefits of diversity. This year in Germany, I am sharing, I am teaching, and I am learning. When I go back home in July, I'll be a new person- I'll have learned a new language, I'll have had a greater range of experiences, and I'll have gleaned some insight into a the mindset of another country. With a willingness to exchange, though, my experience with diversity doesn't end with the end of my year abroad- quite to the contrary, that's only the beginning. In college, and through the rest of my life, not only will I continue to learn through my own experiences and through communication with others, but I'll also offer my own unique perspective, enriched by my year abroad, to the world around me.

Of course, any corrections are also appreciated, or ideas on how to make it fit better to the prompt. Thanks guys!

EF_Susan - / 2310  
Nov 24, 2009   #2
...until I understood nothing, that I truly understood myself.

...that a diverse group has collectively had more experiences and perspectives than a homogeneous population.

...being old doesn't make seniors valuable, the experiences that they have lived through makes them valuable.

Language is only one part of unlocking diversity, though.This sentence seems incomplete.

Truly taking advantage of diversity requires language,...This should be revised for clarity.

I'll have had a greater range of experiences, and I'll have gleaned some insight into a the mindset...
Kelsey1704 4 / 26  
Nov 25, 2009   #3
You say "though" a lot.
OP TimMill 9 / 62  
Nov 25, 2009   #4
Thanks EF_Susan and Kelsey, I'll clean that up... I still would love to hear someone's opinion, though (<--haha, I gotta stop that), on whether the essay fits the prompt. Anyone?
MARIOFOREVER 2 / 3  
Nov 25, 2009   #5
This is the most outstanding essay I've read today. But since I'm Turkish and have never seen a seventeen years old bride in my country, I'm kind of suspicious whether the story is true or not : ) Btw, in general, this is a very unique essay. congratz.
OP TimMill 9 / 62  
Nov 25, 2009   #6
Hey Mario

I promise it's true... maybe you haven't seen the 17 year old turkish brides because they all go to Germany. Or maybe it was just one girl. I dunno, I've never been to Turkey. I'll take your word that it's not so common.

And thanks for the compliment, it's nice to know that you liked it. BUT I still need to know, does it fit the prompt? This is what I really want to know!
OP TimMill 9 / 62  
Nov 28, 2009   #7
Can somebody please give me an opinion? I hate to double post and be a pain, but deadlines are coming!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 30, 2009   #8
Make a stronger connection between that first and last para. The first para ends with this: as hard as we might try to visualize ourselves in somebody else's shoes, that picture will never be the same as what we see actually walking in them----> so that makes me think you should make this central to the theme of the last para.

It will be even better if you use a memorable "catch phrase" in both the intro and the conclusion.

Thanks for the help you've been giving people here! I see you've done a lot of good work.


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