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"I value honesty and hard work" ; Personal Information



tilly_yaya 1 / 1  
Feb 19, 2013   #1
essay topic c

please help me edit my essay
i kinda hope y'all don't cut out my intro
thank you for the help

essay:
I consider myself a hipster a lover of Korean pop, indie rock, and vintage clothing
I like things other might consider "weird" I like animie and manga
I love reading books that take you back to the past.
I value honesty and hard workers I don't believe in giving up even when life throws all its twist and turns at you I want to grow into someone who will inspire others.

I can't tell you exactly who I am because I myself have a lot of growing and learning to do.
I cant say that my identity was lost its more of the fact that it was hidden in the shadows of my older sisters.
Unlike my two older sisters I wasn't a strong test taker or a mathematician, I am not going to graduate as a nurse or a pediatrician

Entering high school I had a conflicting choice of what I wanted to be, or wanted to do. I struggled in certain classes, which really discouraged my self-esteems. But My sophomore year I had found my calling.

Surprisingly the one place my skills really shined was my audio/video production class. I had awakened the desire to compose, produce, and mix music sound effects and clever voice over's to dull videos.

I may not have been the perfect student or the nurse instead of wallowing in my cants an cannot in my who should I be or who I'm not, but instead found something that casted me to the light and look forward to new future pursuing my studies in music.

I am naomi wagner I considered myself a hipster an avid lover of Korean pop indie rock and vintage clothing I may be young, I cannot tell you exactly who I am but I let my actions speak for themselves.

dumi 1 / 6795  
Feb 20, 2013   #2
i kinda hope y'all don't cut out my intro

...looks like you love the way your intro is.... well, it's kind of quite unorthodox, but interesting :)

Entering high school I had a conflicting choices of what I wanted to be

which really discouraged my self-esteems

...self-esteem (no "s")

I may not have been the perfect student or the nurse instead of wallowingin my cants an cannot in my who should I be or who I'm not

This sounds a bit confusing, especially the highlighted part... I feel you better re-phrase

I am naomi wagner I considered myself a hipster an avid lover of Korean pop indie rock and vintage clothing I may be young, I cannot tell you exactly who I am but I let my actions speak for themselves.

... where's punctuation? Have the commas in appropriate places :)
OP tilly_yaya 1 / 1  
Feb 20, 2013   #3
thank you for the feedback. do you have any suggestions on how i should end it to make it a stronger essay


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