Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

Which version of my "MIT: describe your world" responses is better?


plee24 3 / 21 8  
Dec 29, 2013   #1
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

The two essays are essentially rehashed/reordered paragraphs of each other, with a few minor alterations. Please give feedback on which is better, and if possible, what I can do to improve it. Thank you!

1.
Every other month, my mother leaves on a three week trip to Taiwan, a journey she takes in order to tend to her ailing parents as well as business relations abroad. My brother and I try our best to hold down the fort when she's out of town, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a host of other errands to complete. My academic, social, and personal lives already demand enough attention, but during my mother's absence, bill payments, laundry, and cooking meals merge with my growing to-do list. However, as much as I resent the added responsibilities, I understand that my mother has her own duties to address, because family is always our first priority, and working hard is second.

It appears then, that of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or tossing together homemade chicken Alfredo for dinner, has my full commitment. My mother leaves me on my own every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact. She's taught me that it's indeed possible to balance work with family and, even in the midst of hardship, you can always push through and prevail. (245 words)

2.
Of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities has my full commitment, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or tossing together meals while my mother is gone, halfway across the world in Taiwan tending to her ailing parents. She leaves for three weeks every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact. When she is out of town, my brother and I try our best to hold down the fort, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a host of other errands to complete.<thinking about deleting this sentence My academic, social, and personal lives already demand enough attention, but during my mother's absence, bill payments, laundry, and cooking meals merge with my growing to-do list. As much as I resent the added responsibilities, I understand that my mother has her own duties to address, because family is always our first priority, and working hard is second.

My mother has taught me that it's indeed possible to balance work with family and, even in the midst of hardship, you can always push through and prevail. If she can juggle a grandfather recuperating from a total knee replacement surgery eight thousand miles away, a small business, and a divorce case at home, surely I can find time to vacuum the house in between band practice, prepping for my next exam, and shopping for groceries. (271, 224 with italicized sentence omitted)
Buja51 1 / 3  
Dec 30, 2013   #2
I think the Second one is better, and i liked the first sentence of it.
dorbaruch 3 / 6 1  
Dec 30, 2013   #3
In general, I can see how this situation affected you, but not how it shaped your dreams and aspiration which is a problem since its supposed to be the subject of the essay..


Home / Undergraduate / Which version of my "MIT: describe your world" responses is better?