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I volunteer at an orphanage here in Senegal - Short Answer for Common App



mspivey2 /  
Nov 6, 2008   #1
Hi I have written my short answer for Common App but I am worried that it doesn't really flow. I think it is ok and was willing to send it but I really just want someone else's opinion before I do. Also you can only have 150 words, no more so it was driving me nuts towards the end!

In my spare time I volunteer at an orphanage here in Senegal. It is physically and mentally challenging. There are more than 60 babies under the age of 9 months who are all vying for my attention at the same time making things very difficult because I can't play with them all. They are so sweet and loveable and all they want is to be held, even if it is just for a few minutes. I wish I could take them all home, because sadly, many of them are never adopted. I am, however, very thankful that they were brought to the orphanage because things could have very easily been much worse had they been left on the streets. My dream is to come back to Africa one day and start my own orphanage, that way I can hopefully make sure that no children are left to fend for themselves on the streets.

Thanks for your help!
Madeleine

jenchow1992 6 / 14  
Nov 6, 2008   #2
Hello,im just a normal member but id like to give a few pionter if you dont mind. I like your overall message about volunteering in sengal but there a few suggestions i reccomend on your to look over.

The begining sounds a bit choppy, the intro. sentence should be the most captivating so dont just assume that volunteering in Senagal is interesting becuase it might not be for the AD. Maybe state how this experiance made a significance in your life and your view of the world. Remember your applying to college so make it sound more college level.

I know how frustrating it can be to condense all your whole experiance into 150 words, but try to highlight to best parts.

-Im actualy in the same college app. process as you but i got this topic over with.

byes and good luck!
OP mspivey2 /  
Nov 6, 2008   #3
Thanks! Yeah I was pretty much thinking the same thing so it's nice to hear someone echo it! I appreciate your help and I will definately change it.

I am actually further than this but I was looking back over the other things on the common app and realized that I didn't like what I had written!

Good luck to you too!

Madeleine
EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Nov 6, 2008   #4
I agree; the rest of the essay flows so well that the beginning does seem problematic. I think the rest is great; just enough detail but still within the word count. The flow through the rest is good, and I do like the conclusion.

Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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