this essay about myself....I'd like you to grade it for me( a. b . c) by tha way I'm an esl student.
On December22 1989, in the middle of the night almost every
body was sleeping. My family was in the hospital waiting for me
to come to this life. At that time, they did not know my name yet,
but they just knew that I was a baby boy. As my father said" the
room was crowded. Every one came to see you. At dawn almost all
of them fell in sleep except me, I stayed beside your mother..."
One year later my father decided to go to America because he
felt he would have a better chance than in Jordan .At that time we
faced a lot of problems. I believe that it is very difficult to be a
single mother with four children, but fortunately my mother was
smart enough to cope with the life demands.
At the age of 4, I started to go to school. It was a lot of fun. I
liked it. I was in private school. Then, after ninth grade, I switched
to a public school. Generally, my grade point average was good.
I am the youngest in my family, therefore, I don’t have a lot of
things to be responsible for. After high school I was confused
about what I should do, stay in Jordan or go to America. I decided,
like my father had done before, and I said, may be I would have a
better chance in America.
THIS is my story, which I have not shared with anyone except
you. Finally, I have found someone beside my family that I shared
my happy moments, my sad ones and the obstacles that faced me
during my life. Once again welcome to my world.
Try to write a event in your life that affected you.
Your essay is a summary of yourself, colleges don't want to read that.
you mentioned
I have found someone beside my family that I shared
my happy moments, my sad ones and the obstacles that faced me
during my life.
you can write an essay on that part.
In what way did that person shaped who you are right now.
I would have to agree with Hylacy. You need to talk about how something has affected or influenced you, rather than relaying your entire life's story to your reader.
If you really want to stick with this, though, you need to elaborate on things as opposed to merely stating what they did. Show, not tell.
Perfect examples:
"At that time we faced a lot of problems."
What problems did you face? How did they shape you as an individual?
"At age 4 [write out any number less than 10], I started to go to school. It was fun. I liked it."
That does not give your reader any insight as to who YOU are. What did you like about it? Why?
I understand you are an ESL student, but you have a number of grammatical errors that slow the reader down and make it unable for them to get the full spectrum of the message you are trying to convey.
Hylacy gave you an excellent idea to refocus your essay around. Go with it.
Best of luck! =]
It doesn't say anything about you except you were born, you went to school and you decided to come to America.
Sorry had to be harsh, just trying to help.
