The first time I visited a Cold Stone Creamery I was convinced that would be my first job. About two months later I had applied and soon started my minimum wage journey. Every other day I would clock in and clock out with a small sense of new found independence. Now, the money I spend is exclusively mine and I can proudly say I have a job in this dwindling economy. However, as the days pass and the daily tasks are a mere routine I have become restless. There are no goals apart from good customer service in this monotonous work environment. Yet I appreciate the experience for what it is. It's showed me how lucky I really am; soon without a doubt I will be pursuing my dreams, an opportunity not many of today's youth take to their advantage.
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This is my essay for the Short Answer section for The Common App.
I like it, yet I feel it needs something more. My job does not give out performance awards (Employee of the Month) or anything like that. Maybe I should switch my subject, but I think my first job experience is note worthy. Not quite sure if my last sentence is all too grammatically correct either. (140 words/150)
What is the prompt for a common app? And I think the last sentence needs to be broken into two.
It's shown me how lucky I really am. Soon I will be pursuing my dreams, an opportunity not often taken by today's youth.
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
uhm, Jacox, I hate to say that your essay is really not interesting, it should conclude some details like how your job is, or how you feel when doing that job...Make it animate to attract the reader or adcom, don't just tell them about your job and a little vacuous, sorry :(
Perhaps you could say that holding and being bored by this minimum wage job has enhanced your awareness of the value of education. Without a college degree, this is your life.
Slinging, banging, crunching and mixing are my hands at work. Every day I make countless ice cream creations for families, friends and teen couples alike. I even sing a short harmony each time a tip is left by a pleased customer. It's quite a performance working at this ice cream shop. You could even say there's a slight finesse to it. At first working with the spoon-like spades to mix the ice cream with various toppings was very awkward and often I would have to say, "Sorry, I'm new." But now as the days pass and I no longer get nervous when long lines form, restlessness has taken over me. Sure it was a challenge sharpening my ice cream making skills, or learning the ins and outs of the register, but now it is all too commonplace. I desire more things to learn, practice and perfect.
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Thanks for the input,
above is my revision...quite a revision. Not nearly the same as last time, but this time I kept in mind the details it might have needed.
Please read it and tell me if it needs something more, or less, rearranged...and all that jazz.
And reading it over, I feel like I might need a stronger ending. However, it must be under 150 words, and that is 146 words.
Slinging, banging, crunching and mixing are my job .
The second version is much better, and more interesting. I don't know if you should say you get restless/don't like it. I think when they ask you to elaborate on an extracurricular they want it to be something you really love and are passionate about. You're telling them about what you spent a lot of your time on, so they want to know what made it worth your while.
It's really well written, but I think the ending should be less "I'm now restless" and more I feel lucky that I have had this job in a dwindling economy so that I can learn to juggle school and work, prioritize, etc. You want to write about an extracurricular that has really added to you as a person, and I'm sure working as a teen has, because most teenagers don't, so you want to highlight that aspect.
That sounds right, thanks! (: I didn't think about it like that.