"My world and my Dreams" MIT prompt

Hello all,
I'd appreciate any advice I could get on my MIT essay draft. Thank you so much!

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?

shattered dreams

Even though the people around me have supported me, only a few believed in me. My beliefs were dismissed, and I was told to not ask questions. When I started questioning religion and god, I was told to shut up and that I would never succeed in life if I question god. Similarly, when I questioned everyone's pursuit of wealth instead of knowledge, I was told I was naïve and young. At every step, I and several other young girls like me are held back by the stigma in Indian society. I have been told numerous times by everyone around me that going abroad is a waste of time and money and I should just get a degree in IIT in India if I want to earn a lot of money. What they fail to understand is, I am not trying to pursue wealth or religion but instead I am trying to pursue knowledge and science. The reason why I want to study at MIT is that I want to learn from the best. I want to get a better understanding of the working of our world while breaking barriers for not only my sisters and cousins but also the countless other young children whose dreams are shattered by the people who tell them to just keep their heads down and not to dream.

@prmchpra7
Hello. I'm here to give feedback on this essay! I would be glad to help you with the MIT content.

Are there any word count limitations to this essay? If there's none, I heavily recommend sticking with the introduction - body - conclusion pattern of writing. What you are essentially doing with this one is chunking everything into one cluster. This certainly cannot help you in the long-run because there's no distinction right now.

Furthermore, try to compartmentalize your writing and ensure that you're abiding by the regular rules of writing. Focus on having the core rules (ie. avoiding run-on sentences, using proper punctuation, and dividing your sentence sin a more paced out manner). Doing this will help boost your application by a million times.

@Maria

Thanks for the feedback! The essay has word limit of 250 words. I understand that I need to work more on grammar and presentation. Apart from this, do you also have any feedback regarding the content? Do I need to add/remove something in order to answer the prompt better?

Once again, thanks for taking time and providing feedback!