negatives and positives in the development of the economy
Some people say that economic growth is the only way to end hunger and poverty, while others say that economic growth is damaging the environment so it should be stopped. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Improving the economy is a priority in the agenda of most developing countries since it is believed to be the only viable solution to famine and poverty. Many people, however, raise concerns that economic growth can do great harm to the environment. In my opinion, both sides of the argument have their rationales, which this essay will discuss below.
On the one hand, economic development is considered the only way out of destitution and hunger because it brings money for both households and the government. As the national economy burgeons, more jobs will be created, which provide myriad families with an income source. With this employment, not only can people afford basic necessities such as food, water, and shelter but they can also give their children a decent education. Their offsprings thus will have an opportunity to lift themselves out of poverty and even strive for a high quality of life thanks to the knowledge and skills they assimilate at schools. Furthermore, a growth of economy means more taxes for the government, which in turn can be granted to the poorest citizens in the country as financial aid. In this way, economic improvement can make an enormous contribution to solving poverty and famine.
On the other hand, a boom in the economy can play havoc on the environment due to the discharge of chemical wastes and the excessive exploitation of natural resources. An inevitable implication of developing industries is the burning of more fossil fuels. This process disposes into the environment a substantial amount of toxic fumes, which then heavily pollutes the air. The pernicious effect of economic growth can likewise be seen in acute water pollution as manufacturing plants pump their untreated sewage directly into rivers, lakes and seas. Another threat that economic development poses to the environment is the depletion of natural resources, used as fuels or raw materials. As an illustration, the reserve of coal in Vietnam was once estimated at seven billion tons, yet it is now nearly exhausted.
In conclusion, I believe that there are both negatives and positives in the development of the economy. Therefore, it is imperative that the state implement well-thought-out policies to maintain economic growth and at the same time, minimize environmental costs.
Could you please give me some feedbacks on this essay and an estimated score if possible? Thank you very much.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15460 The phrase," which this essay will discuss below" is a memorized phrase taught by books and tutors to help you understand the message the last sentence of the prompt restatement should contain. It should not be used regularly as most IELTS student do now. The examiners consider that phrase memorized and you will receive point deductions for it. Since you did a good job of presenting the first 2 sentences based on the topic and reason, you should be able to come up with a better transition sentence than the memorized phrase. Other substitutes for the memorized phrase are:
- My opinion will be stated based on a comparative discussion of both public points of view.
- These two opinions, properly analyzed, will be the basis of my personal opinion.
- I will examine both points of view and decide upon an opinion to support
Or any variation thereof. Just stop using the memorized placement response holder. It will not help your TA score. Good job on using an alternative to hunger, you should have been able to use an alternate for poverty as well. Alternative words to poverty are: destitution, impoverishment, indigence, pauperism, pennilessness, or poorness, to name but a few replacement words for poverty. Try to not use a single word from the original prompt to prove that you have a varied and complex English vocabulary. It will also help you show that you know English word meanings and how to properly use them in sentences. Both of which will help increase your LR and GRA scores.
Your first reasoning paragraph is well developed and explained thoroughly. The second paragraph was on its way to being exactly that. Except, you decided to suddenly discuss water pollution and then offer an example only for air pollution. It would have been a properly developed sentence if you had just omitted the water pollution reference in the explanation.
The error in your personal opinion is, you only presented a comparative discussion of the public points of view but, you did not take a solid or singular stand to support one of the two points of view. You even went so far as to offer a solution the situation, when you were not instructed to offer one in the original presentation. It was just supposed to be a C/C public opinion discussion after which, you were to present an opinion shows you were convinced by one of the public opinions to support. That part of the essay is an error in the format presentation.
This led to the error in your concluding statement. Instead of summarizing the main discussion points and your opinion, you decided to discuss the solution you had instead. So your essay is actually choppy in terms of prompt responsiveness and discussion clarity. I am afraid that the score for this essay will be, based on each scoring section:
TA - 4 because the format became inappropriate when it came to your personal opinion discussion; there was a lack of a clear position when it came to your personal opinion
C&C - 6 as you were able to present clearly connected discussions in the paragraphs but, the cohesion between sentences were either mechanical or faulty as there was a non-connected example in the second reasoning paragraph. It applied to the first reasoning topic and should have been placed there instead.
LR - 6 since you showed an ability to use English words in a natural manner, within the proper context.
GRA - 6 due to some of the errors that exist in your sentence presentations. Don't worry, these errors were not so severe that your message could not be understood. It is adequate for the discussion requirements.
Overall score could be around 4.5 The main problem was in your discussion detour and lack of solid personal point of view based on the discussion instructions in the statement. See, you can score highly in the other sections, but once you do not adhere to the discussion requirements, your score drops considerably.
Thank you so much for your comments. They've helped me a lot in figuring out how I should write my essay. However, you mentioned the errors in my sentence presentation, but I wonder if you could elaborate more on that. I would be really grateful.
