Admission to a school should not depend from a person's gender - task 2 writing ielts

Topic: Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

i aim to get band 8 in IELTS test. Please help me correct this if any mistakes were made and check the fluence in the essay as well. thank you very much!!

due to changes in attitude towards gender, some people suppose that it is better to equal the number of students between men and women. in my view, i completely disagree with the idea of depending on gender to make schoo's admission.

obviously, the deman in individual subject is totally different. some fields are likely to be more attractive with women whereas most of men wouldn't be favour of that. for example, with nursing, it seems to be impossible to have the same amount of males applying for the course as that of females. as a result, universities probably face to the shortage of learners if it is compulsory to accept students in this way.

moreover, having the equal number of students between male and female doesn't show the equal treatment. in other words, it is unfair to reject applicants who have better standard because he or she was not born to be a lady or a guy. consequently, this kind of selection will affect to the real balance of learning demanding. as an above example with nursing, the women may have to compete to attend the couse while men can easily do that without consideration of good basic knowledge.therefore, universities will miss the amount of people who are really in need and accept those who just choose the career randomly.

in conclusion, as it is impractical and unrealistic to admit the students through gender, i believe there are better ways to handle the quality among sex groups.

Nguyen, I can say that your target is really high. It is really difficult to achieve band 8 in IELTS, but don't worry, difficult doesn't mean impossible. If you go the extra mile in practicing IELTS writing, you'll definitely get the band score that you need. I would like to point out the things that you can possibly improve, especially in grammatical range and accuracy. This is one of the four essential criteria of IELTS writing.

1st paragraph:
- Due to changes in attitude towards gender... (mind the capitalization)
- In my view, I completely disagree with the idea of depending on gender to make schoo'sschool's admission. (there is no spelling errors for a band 8 essay)

2nd paragraph:
- Obviously , the demandemand in individual subject is totally different. (capitalization and spelling problem)
- Some fields are likely to be more attractive with women whereas most of men wouldn'twould not be favour of that. (capitalization and contraction problem. Never use any contractions for an IELTS essay. It makes your essay looks less formal)

- For example,... (another capitalization problem)
- As a result, universities... (capitalization)

As you can see, I hope you can learn something from those mistakes. I would like to give you some hints for a band 8 essay, especially in grammatical range and accuracy part. I've taken it from IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.

Band 8 in grammatical range and accuracy

- uses a WIDE RANGE of structures
- the majority of sentences are ERROR-FREE
- makes only VERY occasional errors or inappropriacies

Hi ichanpants89,
your corrections are really useful for me to improve my writing skill. By the way, could you suggest me some ideas to get more natural voice in the essay? is that ok with those linking words i used in the essay?

thanks a lot!

Dear Thewhisha, I think that not using capital letters to indicate the beginning of the sentences may affect your score negatively. Please also keep in mind that your essay should have introduction, main body consisting of 2-3 passages, and conclusion, if you target high band. In addition to that, please find couple of other suggestions regarding your essay, which hopefully will be useful for you.

In my view, I completely disagree - > In my view, I completely disagree ...
obviously, the deman in individual subject is totally different - > Obviously, the demand for different subjects varies.
moreover, having the equal number of students between male ... - > It should be mentioned also that equal number of male and female students is not objective indicator of equal treatment of both genders.

Nguyen, I do apologize for making you wait for a long time. With regards to your questions, I would like to answer it as clear as possible. I hope you can understand it clearly.

I assume that the first question is about "how to get more natural voice in the essay?". Then, the answer would be:
- I reckon that the term "natural voice" is only for speaking format (correct me if I'm wrong). For writing, it is usually about coherence and cohesion. How to make a coherent essay? It is usually related to your organization of ideas. To make it coherent, you can follow the following format:

Introduction paragraph:
1. Give some background to the topic and refer to the topic of the essay using some facts (taken from the question if they are included). Reverse some of the information, paraphrase, and use some synonyms.

2. Tell the reader what will be in your essay.

Body paragraph(1 or 2):
1. Give one idea
2. Give a reason why this idea is true
3. Give an example of it
4. Say what the implication / effects of this example are
5. Conclude the paragraph

Next, I assume that your second question is about "is that ok with those linking words i used in the essay?"
- The answer is yes. That was okay. The thing that you need to avoid is to make linking words by using coordinating conjunctions. FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) should not be used in the beginning of the sentence. This only makes your essay becomes less formal, and therefore affecting your grading process.

Hai, I think you did good overall. If you say beside In conclusion, at the end then it will look much better