I wrote an essay on a political issue that is important to me. Here is the prompt: Write about something of particular interest to you-whether that be creative, fantastic, scientific,ethical, personal, political, etc.
When I first wrote it I had an english teacher read it and she told me that I didn't tell anything about myself. I fixed it and this is the finished product. Would you tell me if it makes sense and if I talk about myself enough. Would you let me into your college if you had one?
Affirmative Action desperately needs a face lift. When the policy of Affirmative Action was first instituted conditions were clearly not equal for people who were of different races or genders. However, Affirmative Action has helped to make conditions more equal for members of minority groups, so much so that it is not as necessary today. Affirmative Action is an issue that is of importance to me particularly because I am an African American female. Personally, I would not like to be identified by my race or gender. Rather, I would prefer to be seen for who I am and for what I can do.
Keeping Affirmative Action around today with such a strong hand only keeps around the divisions that caused affirmative action to become necessary. People have blamed Affirmative Action for their rejection from schools or jobs as was the case with Regents of the University of California vs. Bakke. The University of California set aside a certain number of spots for minority groups and also set up different entry requirements. Allan Bakke, a white male, was rejected at the University twice and chose to sue once he found out about the lesser criteria placed on minorities. Bakke ultimately lost the case because the special admissions program had nothing to do with his rejection. This case, however, raises the question of why there were lower requirements for the minority applicants. Matters that are beyond human control should not be used as a determining factor in any situation. The University had a policy that was unfair to both the minorities and the majority. The minority applicants were underestimated because of the race that they were born into and the associations that come with it. The majority was made to work harder than the minorities who were accepted to the University under easier conditions. I do not support putting people into broad categories and check boxes whether they are minorities or majorities. Affirmative Action may have helped to diversify the University by setting aside special places for minorities, but it also made it clear that they did not believe that the minorities were capable of reaching the standards set in general admissions. If the goal of Affirmative Action was to even the playing field this certainly did not. It only allowed for the stereotypes that were created in the past to continue to exist. In everything I do, I want to be judged of my own merit. I would not like special help because of the wrongs that were done to my race or gender in the past. Those wrongs have nothing to do with my future.
Doing away with Affirmative Action suddenly is not the answer. Affirmative Action is a multifaceted policy with different uses, many issues and many strong suits. While I do not believe that Affirmative Action is a completely unnecessary policy, I do believe that it must be tailored to fit into modern times and must only be used when necessary. We as a society must move towards equity without having to be forced to do so by law.
You argued your point very well. But even though you included your personal opinion, it still came off as more of a research paper than a personal essay. Supporting example of the Supreme Court case was good. But I think you should write about your own personal experiences with discrimination, breaking away from stereotypes, or Affirmative Action, or experiences that your friends and family have had.
Ah...
I am Asian myself and I have mixed opinions on Affirmative Action. My dad is a lawyer so talks to me about it all the time. But back on track to the essay and I'll try to leave my personal feelings out of it :)
I like how you supported your answer, but:
Affirmative Action desperately needs a face lift. When the policy of Affirmative Action was first instituted, (comma) conditions were clearly not equal for people who were of different races or genders(ethnicities is a better word here, I think) . However, Affirmative Action has helped to make conditions more equal for members of minority groups, so much so that it is not as necessary today. Affirmative Action is an issue that is of importance to me particularly because I am an African American female. Personally, I would not like to be identified by my race or gender. Rather, I would prefer to be seen for who I am and for what I can do.(because as as an African American female, I would not like to be identified by my race or gender, but by who I am and what I do.
I promise I'll fix the rest of your essay later. I like your conclusion but I really have to go now. But your essay is VERY GOOD! :) But does your teacher want 5 paragraphs or only three?
Digeridoo:
Thank you so much! I made the grammar revisions, but the only thing is that I don't have any personal experience with this. I chose to write about this topic because I don't want it to happen to me in college or in the job search later in life. I have lived a pretty sheltered life and have been able to get through life without much discrimination against myself personally. I suppose I could write about breaking stereotypes though because I have been told in the past that I wasn't black enough. Thanks again for all your help:)
Chessman567:
I don't have to have a specific number of paragraphs since it a college essay, but I did split the really long paragraph into two. Thanks for what you did fix now and I look forward to hearing back later:)
Those wrongs have nothing to do with my future. - use another word instead of wrongs.
The minority applicants were underestimated because of the race that they were born into and the associations that come with it. - The minority applicants were underestimated because of their race and the associations that came with it.
I do not support putting people into broad categories and check boxes (comma) whether they are minorities or majorities.
Post your next draft with the revisions because I can't make sense of Didgeroos and my corrections. I think Didgeroo got the rest but I need a clean draft to check. :)
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