Please revise my essay. I really need feedback
I am not sure about the essay. could anyone assist me?
The question is that
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money that a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer
I agree that money person earns is the most important aspect of a job. After receiving money from the job, people think about using it for education, family and business. Considering three reasons, money will be a contributing factor for married people having a baby to become successful in their life.
To begin with, at the end of each month, people get a salary to pay for tuition fee and other stationeries for their daughter and son. Nowadays, people who have to bring their children work very hard to take children to a school. They have to make money allowances necessary for the children. To illustrate, Mr Joe, who has three sons and two daughters, has to work seriously to draw money for education expenses. He spends a lot of money buying pencil, pen, rubber and schoolbag so that their children are ready for both teacher-centered and student-centered learning.
What's more, people want to spend money economically to take a family to a tourist attraction on New Year Day. Many people tend to save money each month so that they will have enough left to take their son and daughter to a beach, month and island.
Most importantly, they want to do their own business as another source of money after the retirement. Today there are many firms run by a couple who retired from the present job. They think that if they open the business, they can earn money for a living. Moreover, their children obtain benefit from the business, because they can automatically succeed to it. Although not being good at campus learning, they can help parents do business and learn its work effectively.
In conclusion, there is no denying that people can search for convenience and luxury from money earned by a job. The money is able to produce a graduate to work for a society, create a strong bond among family members and prevent anguish and concern over the life of children regarding their financial status after graduation
I am not sure about the essay. could anyone assist me?
The question is that
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money that a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer
I agree that money person earns is the most important aspect of a job. After receiving money from the job, people think about using it for education, family and business. Considering three reasons, money will be a contributing factor for married people having a baby to become successful in their life.
To begin with, at the end of each month, people get a salary to pay for tuition fee and other stationeries for their daughter and son. Nowadays, people who have to bring their children work very hard to take children to a school. They have to make money allowances necessary for the children. To illustrate, Mr Joe, who has three sons and two daughters, has to work seriously to draw money for education expenses. He spends a lot of money buying pencil, pen, rubber and schoolbag so that their children are ready for both teacher-centered and student-centered learning.
What's more, people want to spend money economically to take a family to a tourist attraction on New Year Day. Many people tend to save money each month so that they will have enough left to take their son and daughter to a beach, month and island.
Most importantly, they want to do their own business as another source of money after the retirement. Today there are many firms run by a couple who retired from the present job. They think that if they open the business, they can earn money for a living. Moreover, their children obtain benefit from the business, because they can automatically succeed to it. Although not being good at campus learning, they can help parents do business and learn its work effectively.
In conclusion, there is no denying that people can search for convenience and luxury from money earned by a job. The money is able to produce a graduate to work for a society, create a strong bond among family members and prevent anguish and concern over the life of children regarding their financial status after graduation
