Can you please help me with correction and new ideas in my essay?
Do you agree or disagree with the following sentence?
The most important aspect of the job is the money person earns.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
:- I do agree with this statement that, "The most important aspect of the job is the money person earns". Money is a crucial part in our life without it life is very difficult. We cannot do anything without money.
In ancient period, there was no money. People used to trade with the help of barter system. In this method, goods or services were exchanged with other goods or services. At that time, no any medium of exchange was available like money as if today. Nowadays, we cannot trade without money. Money is the vital medium of exchange. Imagine our daily activities like kid's schooling, grocery, shopping, travelling etc. all need money and to earn that money we all need to work. In today's world no one works for free and not even a single thing will get free. Everyone has to work to fulfill their basic needs. When we will work then only will get the money. To live a happy life money is important.
There are many other aspects of the job like future prospect, satisfaction and salary but, I think these are secondary aspects of job. Sometimes people do not have other options in such situation they have to work on job which is available. For example, recently we all have gone through recession period in that period, many people lost their jobs and many people decided to work on the job which was available whether they have any future in that or not. They did not even think about their career because in such a situation everyone thought about money only. They were happy that at least they have a job.
So, I do not think that there is any other important and primary aspect of a job than money.
"Only when we work, can we get the money" is not a question. Indeed it is a sentence with the conversion in order to emphasis your idea: "When we will work then only will get the money" In your sentence, there are two clauses, but only one subject "we", you can not mix one subject with two clauses by the word "then". So i did change a little bit for your idea to become preciser.
Maybe the sentence "To live a happy life money is important" is suitable for the paragraph cause it's actually what you intended to say. Let's think of the logical order. There is not linkage between the whole para with the final sentence. If you plus some linking words, for example like "In short" or "Shorly", it would be much better.
Then good luck with your TOEFL test!