Allowing advertisements in the school for more budget

Funds for program advertisements at schools

To do something in the best way, you need to have budget. In the school, all the programs also need money to launch their plan. But some schools do not have enough financial resources to do that. Therefore, these schools allow advertisements in their building to extend their budget.

In my opinion, I think that is a good idea to mobilize money from all kinds of resources to implement their programs.
Firstly, money is very important to do everything, beside human resouces, money play a key role to open the hardness, we could not do anything in a sustainable and perfect way without money.

Secondly, nowadays, there are a lot of educated bases which making a loan to pay for their education activities especially in a Non - Governmental education system. To utilise financial resouces, allowing advertisements in their infrastructure system should be encouraged. The more income they get, the better outcome they have. Besides that, tuition fee may be reduced when they earn much money from extra income they get. Therefore, the school board will receive their outstanding reputation for helping their student during learning activities.

Thirdly, The matter is that, how to allow and manage advertisements that does not affect teaching and learning resutls of both teachers and students , that is the big issues need to be discussed? I suggest that the school board need to discuss clearly and deeply to find out the best method to archive their goal. For example, advertisements can be accepted if they do not affect teaching - learning activiteis, do not make noise during the day time...etc. Thus, there are some creterias about advertisements need to be prepared and negotiated.

To sum up, I totally support for the idea that schools can allow advertisents inside their building to have more powerful budget for taking their programs.

Your prompt restatement does not contain information from the original prompt so I am unsure as to the degree of acceptability of your restatement. When you change the information from the original prompt, which you forgot to provide, you tend to end up changing the total discussion focus from the original presentation. Additionally, when you are asked to agree or disagree or support / not support a given statement, that should be presented as the thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph. That is not placed in the concluding paragraph because the concluding paragraph is meant to summarize the given information to help you present the same prompt, but in a new manner, this time adding your opinion and reasons to the original discussion presentation.

This is not the type of discussion question that allows you to offer an opinion and also a support/non support statement. This error in your presentation makes me believe that you made up your prompt requirement for this essay. It did not come from a book, it did not come from the available practice prompts online either. That is why you have not written the essay in a manner uniform in requirement to an IELTS task 2 essay.

Now that you know why this presentation will not work as a Task 2 essay, let me give you a general review of your work.

Your thesis statement, the "In my opinion" part should never be a stand alone sentence. Regardless of the kind of essay you are writing, the thesis statement is always presented at the end of the first paragraph / introduction paragraph. The reason being that the thesis statement gives reason to the previous sentences that include the topic, reasons for the discussion, and your opinion or additional information, which come together to create a discussion point for your essay.

A complete paragraph requires a 3-5 sentence presentation. A single sentence presentation as you have in your first rasoning paragraph shows a lack of fully explained and developed reasoning. It will not convince the reader of your opinion nor give additional strength to your overall essay. It removes the coherence and cohesiveness of the statement you are providing in that paragraph.

Rhetorical questions should not be used in an essay because it could accidentally change your provided thesis statement or discussion points. It is always best to present statements of opinion rather than a question in an academic / opinion essay.