Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones
In the era when technology appears in all aspects of life, smartphones not only contain essential features but entertainment as well. This also leads to the amount of phone usage time by teenagers increasingly rising. There are two reasons for this growth and I personally reckon it brings drawbacks outweigh its benefits.
In recent years, everyone has become busy working, and the places to play are all charged. However, there is a wide range of high-quality games which are completely free for players. Consequently, the youngsters who have phones can amuse by themselves right at home without being taken to playgrounds by their parents. As I said above, smartphones have plenty of functions so that children can do everything on them. For example, my sister uses her phone to chat with her friends at school on Facebook or simply surfs funny videos on TikTok.
Despite the many merits above, I strongly believe it has a negative impact on users. Firstly, on social media, there is multiple information comes into sight without censoring or limiting and young people can not distinguish whether it is good or bad. As a result, their mindset development can be affected by wrong information and bad images. Furthermore, overusing phones can result in some health problems. If the young generation uses phones at the wrong distance, they can suffer from diseases concerning eyes. Or using phones makes them lazy and not do exercise, which gives rise to obesity for instance.
To summarise, teenagers use phones for various purposes, in spite of diverse advantages I am still in favor of their negative development
In my opinion, you are having some grammatical errors.
- "lead to" should be followed by a noun or a compound noun, so that it should be :
This also leads to the dramatical ( significant) rise in the amount of phone usage time by teenagers.
- I don't think using increasingly rise makes sense cause those words have the same meaning and put them each other does not emphasize your idea
- it brings drawbacks outweigh its benefits-> its drawbacks outweigh its benefits
Moreover, i think you should start your paragraph by writing the main idea and then followed by supporting factors, this can direct the readers effectively
Another comment is that it is not suitable to give an example which is related to your experience, your family members because this is just your personal view, it can be unsuitable for other situations
Thank you for reading my feedback!