GRE analytical writing ..TOPIC (preservation on endangered species)

Hi ,
The TOPIC is :

"At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species."

Please provide your valuable comments on the following essay.

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The speaker asserts over the period of time many species have become extinct and We should not make extraordinary efforts and spend any major resources for saving these species. In my point of view author is right but there are certain points which needs to be considered before making any conclusion about where and how much human efforts are required for preservation of endangered species.

Our society is already facing many problems today which needs immediate
attention . for example problem of hunger, diseases which is very visible and taking many human lives today has more importance then thinking about other species.these problems should be given priorities in term of resource,

so that we can make world a better place of human species at least.
The problems related to human survival should take more precedence then any other species.

Although there are many species which are dying because of natural
process, human race is also responsible for some of these .Killing of many marine and wild life for their skin or other valuable products from their bodies can not be termed as a natural process. We need to take steps to stop poaching and killing which is products of human greed rather then nature.For example Lions are killed for skin , elephants killed for the precious teeth . These kind of atrocities on animals can be restricted by very minimal efforts and do not require large resources.We can curb these by creating more sanctuaries and making stringent laws against such actions.

Many species are required to maintain the balance of life-cycle.although there are other purposes that some animals and species serves in social and spiritual context.For example national animal of many countries are species , which are symbol of prestige. Many species have religions feelings attached to them by societies.For example cow is considered as holy is many communities in India. so for spiritual and social point of view we need certain steps in saving some of the species.

In conclusion , I agree that we need to set our priorities for utilization of resources and make them more available for human species , but we also tend to care for other species which are becoming target of our greed and not dying because of natural process. We can not afford extraordinary efforts but least we can do whatever is feasible and make other species survive too.

Why? This is the crux of your argument, but you assert it as an assumption rather than argue it. If you are asserting that homo sapiens is inherently more valuable than other species, you'd best explain why. If, despite what scientists say about the importance of biodiversity to all species, including our own, you believe that preservation of biodiversity is not essential to survival, you'd best support that idea with some facts.

For the GRE, you must also pay attention to your punctuation, grammar, etc. They will let a few minor errors slip by, but if too many "minor errors" are present, you will lose a point. Make sure you always have a space after a (.)period. Do not use a space before a (,)comma. Capitalize the first letter of a new sentence. Use a (,)comma after the phrase "for example."

You do need to pay attention to Simone's advice too. I edited this to give you an idea of how to better use your grammar, punctuation etc. I did not edit your argument.

"The speaker asserts over the period of time many species have become extinct and Wewe should not make extraordinary efforts and spend any major resources for saving these species. In my point of view the author is right but there are certain points whichthat needs to be considered before making any conclusion about where and how much human effortsareis required for the preservation of endangered species.

Our society is already facing many problems today which needs immediate
attention . Ff or example,problem of hunger problemsand diseases, which isare very visible and takinge many human lives today hasve more importance thenthan thinking about other species. Tt hese problems should be given prioritiesy in terms of resources ,

so that we can make the world a better place (for the?) of human species at least.
The problems related to human survival should take more precedence then any other species.

Although there are many species whichthat are dying because of natural process, the human race is also responsible for some of thesethis . TheKk illing of manymuch marine and wild life for their skin or other valuable products from their bodies can not (cannot should be one word) be termed as a natural process. We need to take steps to stop poaching and killing, which isare products of human greed rather then nature. For example,Ll ions are killed for skin ,and elephants are killed for their precious teeth. These kinds of atrocities on animals can be restricted by very minimal efforts and do not require large resources. We can curb these by creating more sanctuaries and making stringent laws against such actions.

Many species are required to maintain the balance of life-cycle. althoughtT here are other purposes that some animals and species serves in social and spiritual contexts . For example,the national animal of many countries are species ,whichthat are symbols of prestige. Many species have religionsreligious feelings attached to them by societies. For example,the cow is considered as holy isby many communities in India. sS o,forfrom spiritual and social points of view, we need certain steps into savinge some of the species.

In conclusion , I agree that we need to set our priorities for utilization of resources and make them more available for human species , but we also tend to care for other species whichthat are becoming targets of our greed and not dying because of natural process. We can notcannot afford extraordinary efforts but at least we can do whatever is feasible and make other species survive too."

Indeed. This is a graduate level exam. They want to see not only analytical thinking but also a level of prose at or near that of scholarly publications.

thank you very much for your valuable suggestions.
Indeed I need to work a lot for this section .
thanks again.

Good luck on your GRE. Remember to keep an eye on the time remaining too. Pace yourself.

It's not so much that you need to justify this statement, per se. You should of course rewrite it so that it is a grammatically correct comparison, but it is fairly self-evident that human beings should and will value their own survival over that of other species. Even Simone's argument about the importance of biodiversity doesn't challenge this idea so much as claim that the loss of ecological biodiversity is in fact a problem related to human survival. You further do recognize that this is the case later on in your essay. Your main problem is that, having said you agree with the quote, you sort of end up arguing against it throughout most of your essay. Your thesis should be, from the outset, that nature should be altered and shaped to meet human needs, but that those needs may require the preservation of biodiversity. At least, that's what your essay seems to be arguing. Then, you could look more closely at what that would mean. Alternatively, you could look at some of the drawbacks and advantages to biodiversity. So, biodiversity means species have more resistance to plagues, but it also means that plagues are more likely to emerge that are dangerous to humans. Of course, if you take that approach, you will have to do a lot more rewriting, and the first approach will require quite a bit already.