IELTS 2; What is the most appropriate place for children to study and develop - a school or home?

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.

Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.

My essay:

There are conflicting views about the problem that what is the most appropriate place for children to study and develop, in a school or at home. In my opinion, each place would have their own perks but the advantages for studying at school are much greater than those for learning at home.

On the one hand, it is the flexibility that makes teaching at home to be the first choice of several parents. People can base on academic performance and needs of their children to tailor the most suitable curriculum. This helps their offspring get opportunity to concentrate on developing their strengths. Moreover, when studying at home, if your children have to cancel a lesson, due to sickness, for instance, they can learn this lesson in another day.

On the other hand, schooling is the best studying place for some following benefits. Obviously, school provides students an environment to build social relationships. There would be a lot of students taking part in a school so that your children have a chance to make friends. In addition, entering a school helps children improve their soft skills as communication ability and solving problems, which are really advantageous for them when coming in the real life. Although it is possible to teach children those skills at home, they can not practice while school is a small society where is a best place for them to develop soft skills.

Although teaching children at home is a good method, I believe that school is the most appropriate place for comprehensive development of children.

Please give me feedbacks and points. Thanks a lot.

The writer has a tendency to create sentences that show a lack of sentence development control. While the presentation needs work in terms of proper vocabulary usage, the writer still manages to make his thoughts and opinions understood, except in the first reasoning paragraph. The writing there was a bit spotty and lacking in a cohesive presentation. The topic should have centered on curriculum flexibility. The paragraph did not have the right focus though. So the presentation was not well developed nor clearly explained. The writer lost control of the discussion in that part. Always stick to topic sentence related references for the discussion.

Concluding paragraphs need at least 2 sentences with a properly presented discussion summary. The current concluding paragraph is incomplete and only partially completed in terms of presentation considerations.

For the conclusion you can say

Although (...) method, attending schools is a way better because children can also socialize with their friends. Thus, I believe that school is ...