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WRITING TASK 2: BALANCE BETWEEN WORK AND OTHER ASPECTS OF LIFE


huyjunnie 3 / 8 3  
Sep 1, 2021   #1
Hi, this is my essay, thanks for your assessment in advance. Would you mind focusing on assessing my word choice, task achievement, grammar, coherence and cohesion?

work and life balance



ESSAY
In the contemporary world, many people endeavor to balance the trade-off between work and other aspects of lives, but only a minority achieves this balance. This imbalance entails disastrous impacts, so some measures should be done to address the problems.

On the one hand, balancing between work and other parts of life portends grave consequences. First of all, this issue can increase the risks to both the physical and psychological health of workers. To be more specific, people who immerse in working spend less time taking care of themselves and restlessly keep their eyes glued to computer screens, thereby having headache, sore eyes and exhaustion. Moreover, when people overwork to a certain extent, people may lose a sense of job satisfaction and therefore descend into a state of job obsession and stress. Consequently, they could be indifferent and perpetuate to isolate themselves from society. Ultimately, their network of relationships will be detrimentally affected, for they disregard the time for family gatherings and socialization.

On the other hand, some actions should be done to mitigate the aforementioned problems. In terms of legality, government should impose employment laws regarding the rational time frame employees work for and promotion. Furthermore, employees are supposed to build a gymnasium or health center for staff to strengthen their health and diagnose their psychological problems if necessary. Another approach is encouraging the people to take time out to have a rest as they feel overwhelmed with work. Hence, before they resume work, they can have much chance to discover themselves and enjoy leisure pursuits, so they can be more focused, less burnt out and sustainable in the long run.

In conclusion, work and life balance is so difficult that not many people attain this due to some particular reasons. Anyways, some effective solutions should be proposed to alleviate the difficulty.



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,567 3753  
Sep 3, 2021   #2
"On the one hand" and "On the other hand" are comparative phrases.There are used to connect the same topic coming from opposing points of view. The writer is assessing 2 different topics so these paired references cannot be used. This will be considered an error on 2 fronts, the C + C and GRA scoring sections.

The writer must review his vocabulary skills because he shows signs of word usage confusion (employer v employee), even as he often tries to use big and unnatural sounding words ( portends, detrimentally ) in the presentation. While there are considered advanced English words, these are not used in everyday conversation. So the reference sounds unnatural. The LR score is increased through the use of everyday English words in the right context.
BlackNikeSock 1 / 3 1  
Sep 4, 2021   #3
There are a lot of unnecessarily big words that make it a bit difficult to read.
OP huyjunnie 3 / 8 3  
Sep 5, 2021   #4
@Holt
Thank you so much! I identified my errors and I will try not to make those again.


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