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Ban for fast food adverts? [WRITING TASK 2]The best way to prevent obesity in children!


minhphuccttv 4 / 11  
Aug 15, 2017   #1
Hello everyone, Can you help me fit it?

Ban for promoting fast foods



A number of the population believe that the optimal solution to stop children getting fat is to cancel advertisements of fast food and other bad cuisines. In my opinion, this method is not the best way.

Parents ban the advertising of unhealthy products is help their children to stop approach toxic food by visible ways. The images display very interestingly so it super attractive. Thế audios are amusing and easy to remember. The products always are brand-new, so they stimulate the appetite of kids. Charming ideas connected factors in videos or papers. Other ways of advertisement are trial foods, gifts, games which are also very powerful to put children become obesity. By stopping news we stop a lot of reasons to help children become more healthy especially remove obesity.

Ban infomercial harmful products are not the best way because the main reasons are related to children metal. So mothers and fathers should teach their children what is bad from eating unhealthy foods. Children need have more activity outside for relax and explore than play games in the house because they will have a better physical to help them have positive thinking about life included their diet. Children should have less homework for they can have more time to care their metal. A family should eat together as frequently as possible. Determine what food is offered and when, and let the child decide whether and how much to eat. Mental is very important to help children avoid obesity especially overcome it.

To sum up, I think that the best way to prevent obesity in children is to compile ways especially metal ways don't just only extremely focus on one participate way.

Thanks,
Minh Phuc

zeal 5 / 14 8  
Aug 15, 2017   #2
@minhphuccttv
hello,
in the first para, there should be three sentences, but in your intro, it only has two which lacks opening sentence (more generalised idea)

in the second para, there is lack of linking between ideas and some sentences are hard to understand for me.

the presentation in the third para become more smoth compared to the second one although linking words are absent.

the last para should have two sentences.

I am curious that "metal ways" and "participate way" could be used coz I really don't know those as I am still a learner.
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Aug 15, 2017   #3
Phuc, did you use an online translator for your essay? It sounds that bad. There is no way that the examiner can read your essay and come away with something useful and understandable from what you wrote. I think that you are transliterating the text from your mother tongue to English. This has become very clear because you keep on referring to "metal" in the written text. The term does not fit in any of the sentences and it does not make sense. Why would children have to take care of their metal? If this is the writing level of English that you have, you must delay taking the test. Your GRA score will be failing so your overall score will not pass. Do not take the test until you can at least, compose simple English sentences in the proper grammar and sentence structure format. Develop your English thinking and writing skills first. This essay is not good at all. You need to broaden your English vocabulary and you can only do that by reading in English and learning the meaning of the words, then memorizing it. Try to speak and write in English as often as you can so that you can improve in all aspects related to the test.


Home / Writing Feedback / Ban for fast food adverts? [WRITING TASK 2]The best way to prevent obesity in children!