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TRAN, I am very sad that you had a pretty good start to this essay with an almost acceptable prompt paraphrase, then you failed to properly indicate the discussion instruction of the essay. The mistake that you made is so clear, the examiner will be sure to give your TA consideration a failing score. Let me show you where the mistake lies by comparing the original prompt discussion instruction with the discussion instruction that you presented as your thesis statement:
Original Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?
Your Discussion : This essay will discuss, firstly the important of fatherhood in nurturing children and secondly the necessary of sharing upbringing tasks in family by both parents, followed by a reasoned conclusion.
This is to be discussed as an "emotional" essay with only one point of view presented, discussed, and defended in your discussion essay. What you wrote was a comparison essay. Therefore, you have proven that while you understood what the topic is about, you did not understand the discussion instructions, which will result in a total failing score for the essay. You cannot be given a passing score for the rest of the scoring considerations when you did not manage to discuss the topic in the correct manner.
This being your first posting in this forum, I will not score the essay yet but I will tell you that this essay will not pass in an actual setting based upon the situation I presented above, It would be better if your familiarize yourself with the various methods of discussing the prompt instructions by reading the samples here. That should get you on track towards becoming familiar with the discussion types for the Task 2 essay.
By the way, when you present an emotional response, you should either strongly agree / disagree or partially, agree/disagree. Remember you need to pick one side and justify it in the discussion of the essay. If you use the term "partially" then you can discuss the essay in a comparison manner. You have to be specific about the strength of the opinion that you have in order to accurately respond to the prompt requirement.