We are blessed with modern tools; Modern technology

well. my English teacher got 6.5 band for my essay but i wonder if it deserves or not..please check my essay and give me correct band score..thanks a lot ^^

topic : modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrollable access to and exchange of information.Far from being beneficial, this is danger to our society? what do you think ?how far do you agree or not

nowadays our society has enjoyed the benefits of having modern technology.We are blessed with modern tools, which could perform to what seemed to be an impossible task in the past like retrieving information in a matter of seconds. However, this often comes with unforseen and undesirable consequences defeating the very objective in the first place. To my mind, modern technology is a bane than a boon.

It cannot be denied that the technological improvement brings forth to us some advantages. Firstly, it helps man communicate local or oversea by writing email, telephone or mobile. A student , for instance, who is studying abroad can talk to his family by chatting and web cam rather than waiting for a hand - writing letters. Secondly, the modern tools also support man in business and studying. It makes better condition to fulfill tasks faster and more convenient. For example, a student spend less time searching information and documents by clicking mouse on google rather than is stuck with many books in library. A business man can deal with his job by using laptop and internet whereas he can still enjoy holiday with his family.

Nevertheless, for every solution technology provides twice as many problems are likely to cause. The modern technology is to some extent underlying causes of negative things in our society. It's Internet that provides an accessible medium for bad elements such as pornography, crimes and so on. the teenagers who are not conscious enough tend to imitate the sexual and violence clips and images on internet. A typical example of this is the massacre in an American school. A pupil killed his classmates by his father 's gun simply because he only acted as a clip he saw. Moreover, the average rate of girls who are pregnant is very soon because of sexual images 's influence.

Modern technology is the key element for the change of lifestyle loosing the moral value. Man abuses on computer in all fields. They are lack of face- face communication and therefore the distance between the generations becomes farther. the old people feel lonely at home and far from their off - springs who are too busy with computers. Thus, the stability of family are being broken day after day. In addition, energetic and meaningful lifestyle is being replaces by wasteful hours in front of computers. Man becomes lazy and isolated from their surroundings.

In conclusion. similar to everything. modern technology has both advantages and drawbacks. I personally think that it depends on how we use the modern tools. People should aware of technology's role to solve its bad effects

Well I'd say that you have a bunch of grammer mistakes. I'm not a grammer expert so I don't know the best way you can resolve those. You have a run on sentence. When you make a defining statement "To my mind, modern technology is a bane than a boon." I wouldn't say anything like "I think..." or "Perhaps..." or "In my opinion". Just say it.

"Nevertheless, for every solution technology provides twice as many problems are likely to cause."
twice as many?

"A pupil killed his classmates by his father 's gun simply because he only acted as a clip he saw. Moreover, the average rate of girls who are pregnant is very soon because of sexual images 's influence."

This is very very very extremely controversial. Specific examples would be nice.

I'm no expert but "In conclusion" is my worst nightmare.

oh my god i don not understand how you can remark with negative view like that...i agree with you about example..but there is two reasons : pornography & crime

to my mind is the same i think...but i am not sure it is suitable for writing
i find my conclusion is not bad
anyway thanks a lot

Sorry, but I tend to only look at bad parts of the essay. I think that your idea is fine. Avoid controversial things. I'm not saying your conclusion is bad. I'm just saying that you shouldn't start it with "in conclusion". I don't believe that pornography leads to girls getting pregnant. But you can seriosly just say somethings plainly rather than putting "I think" and stuff like that. "I personally think that it depends on how we use the modern tools." can just be "The effect of modern tools depends on how we use them."

Many grammatical errors, though your meaning comes through fairly clearly in spite of them. I'll revise the first paragraph for you, and leave the rest for our other contributors:

N owadays our society has enjoyedenjoys the benefits of having modern technology. We are blessed with modern tools, which couldcan perform towhat seemed to be an impossible tasks that once seemed impossible, such asin the past like retrieving information in a matter of seconds. However, these advances often comes with unforseen and undesirable consequences defeating the very objective in the first place . To my mind, modern technology is more a bane than a boon.

Your points about pornography and crime are weak, as others have already pointed out. I don't know of a single school shooting incident where the person who did it did so only because of seeing a video clip. Media do tend to spread the idea, a dark meme as it were, but the people who pick up on it need to have a ton of other problems first to do so. Likewise, you might be able to make a case for the negative effects on online pornography, but again, you need to be more nuanced. Pornography existed long before the internet (no one really believes all the stone artifacts from bygone eras representing 'fertility goddesses' were really meant for religious veneration), and the link between pornography and sex crimes is difficult to prove, in terms of causation.

Second paragraph:

It cannot be denied that theT echnological improvement brings forth to us some advantages. Firstly, it helps people communicate locally or overseas by writing email or by talking on the telephone or mobile. A student , for instance, who is studying abroad can talk to his family by chatting and web cam rather than waiting for a hand-written letters. Secondly, the modern tools also support people in business and studying. Theymake it easier to fulfill tasks more quickly and conveniently . For example, a student spends less time searching for information and documents by clicking a mouse on G oogle rather than by poring over many books in a library. A business man can deal with his job by using a laptop and internet whilehe can still enjoyinga holiday with his family.

I give comment on third paragraph:

Nevertheless, for every solution, technology provides twice as many problems are likely to cause. The modern technology is to some extent underlying causes of negative things in our society. It's Internet(no abbreviation and need 'the' before Internet) = the Internet, for instance, provides an accessible medium for bad[=disapproved - more formal] elements such as pornography and crimes and so on[use in speaking]. T he teenagers who are not conscious enough tend to imitate the sexual and violenceviolent clips and images on the internet. A typical example of this is the massacre in an American school [:| :|] . A pupil killed his classmates by his father 's gun simply because he only acted as a clip he saw --> [An action such as killing classmates by father's gun of a pupil was followed by some severe clips on the internet] . Moreover, the average rate of girls who are pregnant is very soon because of sexual images's influence.[why???, I think it is funny]

I think you can change the example in this paragraph :)


1, In conclusion, similar to everything,
2, advantages and disadvantages; benefits and drawbacks; merit and demerit - sound like better.
3. People should be aware of technology's role to solve its bad effects.

I have checked : be aware of is correct :)