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Writing task 2: Modern technology in work place. Disadvantages to relying too much on technology?


KarunaTruong 3 / 5 2  
Jun 22, 2016   #1
Please help me with the essay and give me an average point. Thank you so much.
Topic
Modern technology is now very common in work places.
How do you think this change the way we work?
Do you think there are disadvantages to relying too much on technology

Essay
The revolution in industrial has led to the development of technology for the need of governments and people. More companies require a specific level in computer using from the employee. Our workplaces today is completely different from the 80s office. There are advantages and disadvantages of relying too much on technology.

It cannot be denied that modern technology has an important position in workplaces, more than 60% of your work based on computer program. For examples: Microsoft Word, Excel, Powerpoint presentation,etc. Previously in the 80s, our grandparents had to do the paperwork instantly, so that it was time-consuming and easy to make a mistake while processing their work. Fortunately, modern technology has reduced the possibility of causing errors by using the program designed specific purpose , yet people nowadays do have more chances to work effectively and safely.

On the other hand, relying too much on technology do cause us more harm that it looks. Businessman usually upload their information and work to their mail or "cloud", because it helped them keep in touch with the information every moment. However, this action is like playing with fire. The more people stick to their devices, the more easily they got hacked. Their information could be sold on black market, or worse. Moreover, addicted to technology can make children become anti-social, having problem with their eyes at a very young age. The widespread of social media , the result of developing technology too fast, is also a major factor affect adolescents in a negative way.

In conclusion, the current technology has helped us a lot in work daily life. It changes the way we work significantly compared to the past, but it will not bring any benefit if relied on them too much. People should balance their daily life and technology using time. In my opinion, it is not safe to post personal information to social media or "cloud", as the companies do assure that their cloud is safe but people should protect themselves.

justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 22, 2016   #2
Hi Truong, overall the essay has answered what is asked of the prompt, however, you are having a hard time expressing your ideas in the essay and it seemed as though your sentences doesn't match up or senseless.

To further elaborate my findings, please find the corrections below;

- The industrial revolution
- in industrial has led to the development
- of the governments and the people.
- computer usingknowledge from
- theits employees .

- yourour work is based
- examples:, Microsoft Word, Excel, - PreviouslyHowever, in the 80s,
- paperwork instantlyimmediately ,
- so that it was time-consuming
- and it was easy to make
- the program designed tools,
- specific to its purpose,
- yettherefore, people nowadays

There you have it Troung, as you can see there is quiet a lot of work in this essay and I hope you follow through. As mentioned, focus on the sentence construction, make sure that they are complete and has the substance of what you want to impart to your readers.
OP KarunaTruong 3 / 5 2  
Jun 22, 2016   #3
Thank you so much for your correction. You guys are my savior :D. I think I will enjoy my time here so much :) thank you for all
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 22, 2016   #4
No worries at all Truong, we are here to support and guide you with your writing projects. One thing that I would also like to share is drafting, writing an essay as a draft but treating it as a final essay is a habit that will lead you to a smooth transition from a writer with a lot of doubts on your writing projects to a writer that takes charge of your articles.

Also, recording your work will enable you to see your progress, this is what all of us want, we want progress in all corners of our lives, whether it be writing or anything we do.

You don't have to worry about not being able to deliver as being a writer is a process, with determination, coupled with practice and a little guidance from your dedicated and hard working EF contributors, you will develop your writing skills and learn writing techniques in no time.

'till your next article, keep writing.
Wendy Li 2 / 1  
Jun 22, 2016   #5
paragraph 2, "a computer" change to" the computer"
paragraph 3, "work to" change to "work with" . "a problem" change to "the problem"


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