THE USE OF ELECTRONIC MEDIA HAS A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PEOPLE.
TO WHAT EXTEND DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?
These days and ages, it is presumed that private relationship between citizens has been affected negatively by the utilizing of electronic media. Although sophisticated technology brings demerit such as online bullying for some people, I extremely agree that it is really helpful to keep in touch with relatives.
A great number of people argue that as the technology advance, people tend to be more careless to write bad feedback due to the fact that it is not more difficult to track. Taking Indonesia as an example, some artists have to face cruel comments which is wrote by the haters and it seems that it is common to do such action. As a result, some inhabitants think that writing a bad comment to other is not a critical issue. It is thus clear that, private communication of residents is driven to be not respectful.
However, advanced technology has became a great helping hand nowadays, to connect with families or friends who stay far away. First and foremost, people can use the features of smartphone and laptop to make a call or even a video call by using internet connection to talk with other relatives which can decrease travel expense which is used to visit them directly. In addition, the flow of information is faster so that it becomes easier to inform the recent condition of others. Also, talking with friends who live in another part of the world becomes much more easier as it can be delivered by instant messenger. Consequently, it is tighten the personal connection between people.
To sum up, although at the present time developed media affect the way people talk online, it is immensely useful to build up close relation to others. The best way will be for the netizens to be more responsible in leaving online comment in social media.
These days and ages, it is GENERALLY presumed that private relationship between citizens ...
..., some artists have to face cruel comments which ARE wrote by the haters ... It is thus clear that, private communication of residents is driven to be not respectful.
However, advanced technology has becameBECOME a great helping hand nowadays, ... to make a call or even a video call by using THE internet connection to talk with other relatives which can decrease travel expense ... Also, talking with friends who live in another part of the world becomes much more easier (DOUBLE COMPARATIVE) as it can be delivered by instant messenger. Consequently, it is tightenTIGHTENS the personal connection between people.
..., it is immensely useful to build up THE close relation to others. ... to be more responsible in leaving THE online comment in social media.
Good job Sri, I have a suggestion for your essay. Could you give an example which more appropriate in this paragraph? This essay describe about private communication, but I think you put an example in general communication between artists and inhabitants. It would be better if you mention the specific evidence.
Sri, your thesis statement and personal opinion have totally changed the discussion that the actual prompt wished you to address. you are talking about the way that technology can help enhance the relationship of people. However, the prompt is asking you to state a degree of agreement or disagreement on the opinion that " THE USE OF ELECTRONIC MEDIA HAS A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PEOPLE. "
While the rest of your essay offers an opinion that is prompt responsive, the fact that you misstated the opinion and the prompt itself in the introduction will be the first and foremost consideration of the examiner. The opening statement shows that you have a problem with understanding the prompt requirements and you are unable to discuss the topic in the proper manner. you have an inability to restate the prompt for some reason, although the later discussion shows that you did understand the question.
So, the simple act of not properly restating the prompt in your thesis paragraph has severely affected the final score for this essay. It might get a passing score because of the discussion, but it will be held back by the prompt restatement problem because it changed the way the essay was supposed to handle the prompt requirement.
