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The businessmen avoids to concentrate only on making money.


ifraanisa05 44 / 70 6  
Nov 2, 2016   #1
The purpose of business is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?

Business is made by some people to make money for themselves and their focus only to make a profit. Personally, i totally disagree with that statement because business is the place for other people who looking for salary and the businessmen avoid to concentrate only on making money. Because business has bigger opportunity become huge companies if their focus not only on getting them rich

Businessmen have to think about the productivity of their business. Throughout the employee, business will get the optimum productivity and highest profit. For instance, businessmen provide the safety tools, average temperature of the workplace and maintain break schedule to make their employee comfortable when they are working so that they can improve their work and prove the high performance. The comfortable zone that businessmen create, will provide much cost so that they have to prepare the unplanned cost for their employee. As a result, they will get profit from employees' performance indirectly

In addition, a business which only thinks about profit did not think about the environment. They only concentrate on making the process low budget but high profit. However, they can get profit from their waste. For example, the factory has a lot of waste in their every department, the great businessmen will get the benefit from those waste and build the facility to reduce their waste. Maybe it will not make a huge profit but productivity will increase and the business can stand for along time.

To sum up, businessmen should focus not only for money but also for employee and environment. Because the productivity of business is more important than its profit. When the productivity increases, the profit will follow.
badafebriani17 34 / 44 1  
Nov 2, 2016   #2
Hello miss ifraanisa05. this is my suggestion.
actually your essay is pretty good, but let me give you my opinions
1. don't forget to add comma when you use conjunction [but also, so, but, etc]

... only for money, but also ...
... they are working, so that they ...
... low budget, but high profit.
... provide much cost, so that they ...

... more than three times, so your essay ...
"make" ---> [create/ do/ produce]
business-->[concern/ affair/ preserve]
good luck. keep writing
faizunaa17 49 / 91  
Nov 3, 2016   #3
I totally disagree with that statement because business is the place for other people who looking for salary and the businessmen avoid to concentrate only on making money.Because business has bigger opportunity ...

1. CONFUSING IDEA AND YOUR STATEMENT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN OF THIS ? "karena Bisnis adalah tempat ..." ????

Perhaps you mean like this :

I totally disagree with that statement, because business is not just place for other people who looking for salary, but moreover it is nice place to build friendship, kindness, and also kinship between the businessman and their worker, so the CEO must avoid himself to focus only for making money.

2) BECAUSE..... BECAUSE AGAIN ---> REPETITIVE REASON AND LESS COHERENCE.

You can change BECAUSE with FURTHERMORE / MOREOVER / IN ADDITION, etc. "Lebih dari itu, bisnis memiliki ..."

In addition, a business which usually only thinks about ...

3) USUALLY / OFTEN / SOMETIMES is important to add here, because if you don't add this, it means "ALL BUSINESS THAT FOCUSED ON PROFIT IS NOT AWARE WITH THEIR ENVIRONMENT". So, you cannot GENERALIZE all of the business.

... making the process low in / with budget but high profit.

They only concentrate on making the process low budget but high profit.However, they can get profit from their waste .

4) INAPPROPRIATE AND LEST COHERENCE CONTRADICTION. You use "However" which mean contradict the previous sentence. But what is your meaning of that ? Compare with it :

They only concentrate on making process more efficient with reducing many waste that produced from their product. However, actually they can get profit from their waste.

Overall is good writing, less grammatical error. But you seem still confused with your coherency of idea.
mardian24 46 / 75  
Nov 3, 2016   #4
Hi ifra, let me give some comments

1. and theirthey focus only to make a profit ...
Because it is needed subject, so you should replace 'their' with 'they'

2. ... who lookinglook for salary ...
You need a verb after conjunction,

3. ... bigger opportunity to become huge companies
There is a verb 'has' and 'become' is a verb as well. You need to give 'to'

Thank you
Break a leg
Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
Nov 3, 2016   #5
Hallo ifraa.. here my suggestion for you..

1. ... the productivity of their business businesses (it refers to the businessmen, the subject plural so the object shoul be better in plural too).

2. ... the optimum productivity and highest the highest profit. (Superlative always use the in front of)

3. In addition, a business which only thinks ...
I think on this paragraph there is jumping idea because there is not connect between your statement in the first sentence and your example

I hope it helps good luck
WasishaSisha 16 / 20  
Nov 3, 2016   #6
Hi ifraanisa05,

- Personally, i totally disagree ----> you should use capital letter for I

- For instance, businessmen provide [...] and prove the high performance.---> your compound sentence too long

You should use plural noun for this:
- to make their employee comfortable when they are --->
- prepare the unplanned cost for their employee --->
their employees or the employee

Avoid repetition one word in a sentence
- a business which only thinks about profit did not think about the environment.
- ... factory has a lot of waste in their every department, (...) benefit from those waste and build the facility to reduce their waste .

- ... on making the process which is or that low budget ...

- Maybe it will not make (...) can stand for a (space) long time.---> avoid "MAYBE" for academic writing.


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