An IELTS Essay - Cam8 test2 task2 - technology and communication

Topic:
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships that people make? Has this been a positive or negative development? (Cambridge IELTS 8 Test 2)

My Essay:
In the present age, due to the rapid development of technology, a great transform occurs in the ways of communication between individuals. Personally, I think the influence to the types of relationships is vary.

Obviously, the innovation of telephone is the first remarkable change in communication means brought by the boost of technology, wich altered the traditional ways of contact between the relatives and friends--mail, telegraph or visit by costly transport. Then the mobile phone occured, as well as the short message, fulfilling the demand of keeping in touch regardless of time and place. Finally, the increasing number of poeple, especially the youngsters, have chosen online chatting as the first option of communication means, which can broaden the range of making friends.

Admittedly, this trend brings many merits in efficiency of making friends, saving time and money compared with visit. Even so, it still has some demerits as follows: firstly, just like fast foods, the efficiency tend to decrease the sentimental investments in each relationship, thus those youngsters who used to chat online only can hardly have a sense equalling to that in those time when people wrote letters to express themselves. Additionally, crimes may be committed during the meet of "internet friends" in the reality.

To conclude, even though the development of technology brings us many conveniences in contact and making new friends, I still hope it will not make us lose those precious senses of feeling, as well as beware of those "new friends" while meeting.

Any help will be appreciated! :)

In the present age,dD ue to the rapid development of technology, a great transformationhas been placeoccurs in the ways of communication between individuals.

Personally, I think the influence to the types of relationships is vary.--------- I dont get your idear here. What are you trying to say?

Obviously, the innovationinvention of telephone ismade the first remarkable change in communication meansmethodsbrought by the boost of technology , wich alteredby introducing a more convenient way to connect with people in contrast to the traditional ways of contact between the relatives and friends--mail, such as paying visits, writing letters and sending telegraphic messages or visit by costly transport. -------------This sentence is too long and therefore your ideas dont flow nicely to give the reader a clear picture of what you try to say. I suggest;

The invention of telephone brought in remarkable changes to the ways that people used to connect with each other. For example, before the telephone was invented there were only limited number of ways that people could communicate with their relatives and friends; they had to write letters or send telegraphic messages or physically visit others. However, telephone not only offered a more convenient and cost effective solution to communicate with each other across the globe, it further conqured the major barriers in communication such as time and geographical barriers.

Thanks a lot, dumi :)