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A Carnival, not A Crusade. Essay about the influence of Rio Olympic Games to Brazil


Envyfire213 1 / -  
Aug 14, 2016   #1
Hope feedback, Thank you.:-)

A Carnival, not A Crusade
Magnificent stadiums, miraculous athletes and massive spectators--the Summer Olympic Game will first touch the Southern America, held in Rio, Brazil, on this summer. With the open ceremony imminent, people increasingly set considerable stores by this carnival. Though the Brazil is such short of jubilation that disparaging this blameless may seem harsh, series of political scandals and the grave economy prospect still give us a pause.

Start with economy. As a member of the "Golden Countries", Brazil was once the fast growing economy system in Southern America, a fertile land for international tourism, handicraft industry and high-technology industry. However, Brazil is suffering its worst recession since the 1930s, perhaps of all time. On June 1st the government reported that GDP contracted by 0.3% in real terms in the first quarter of this year;it is 5% smaller than it was a year earlier.Over two years,the number of jobless Brazilians has risen from 7m to 11m, a swelling number of manufactories have been idle, and production has slumped 60%, compared with its heyday in 2009.

The misery will be aggravated for the country are still shrouded in the clout of corruption. Government beset with corruptible scandals has done nothing but fueled the anger across the country.With Ms Rousseff toppled, an intern government lead by Mr Ramos was built on optimism. However, over last weeks, three ministers in the new cabinet have been exposed to the massive scandals of corruption, and more and more officials are expected to resign.Though president Ramos has proposed the most ambitious overhaul of Brazil's economic governance in decades, the government has yet to say just how when it comes to the toughest, like public spending. Worse, anger has spread across the nation; last month, massive workers protested near some stadiums on Rio for they have been paid nothing for half a year.If people ,like these workers, can't find their voice within the mainstream, they will make themselves heard from without at any prices, which seems destined to transform this "God State" into a breeding ground of hatred and anger.

"With the Rio Olympic Game opening, people will be united in delight," Some argued, "it will set the country's prosperity in train again." I do agree that the Rio Olympic Game will be a carnival for Brazil, but touting it as a panacea will just lead people into poor thinking.Do you still remember the 2014 Football World Cup ?--it was also a carnival held in Brazil and herald as the omen to the Brazil's prosperity.Two years pasted, what did this carnival leave?--much corruptible government, much anger people and a most depressive country for century. Similarly, this new carnival should be celebrated but not sentimentalized.

As the symbol of love and peace, the Olympic Game has graced enormous countries, representing the fruit of civilization, but when it comes to a country plagued with miseries where solving people's fundamental problem is too much of struggle to showing its power, it is just a carnival, carrying ecstasy in short term but nothing in long term.What this state needs is not a carnival but a crusade;Clearing its government will be a hard but vital step and it should be followed by the privatization and the industrial reform, all of which would be painful and arduous, but only when this crusade are exercised, the revival will come true.

ramzi06 9 / 17 4  
Aug 14, 2016   #2
Greetings Mr
I admire your article. You write it clearly and use appropriate high vocabulary level.
Just one or two slight mistakes

However, Brazil is suffering (you mention since 1930s, means that this occasion occur from 1930 until now) has suffered its worst recession since the 1930s, perhaps of all time.

... in the first quarter of this year;it is it was 5% smaller than it was a year earlier.

Over two years,the number of jobless Brazilians
Please avoid "jobless", it is too harsh. Change it with unemployment or people who seeking job opportunity.

That's all,
Please cmiiw,
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Aug 14, 2016   #3
Hi Henry, welcome to EssayForum :) It is really nice to have a new member in this remarkable website. I hope that my feedback would be helpful towards your writing skill development. Therefore, you can see the detailed analysis of your essay in the descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- ...the Summer Olympic Game will first touch the Southern America, held in Rio... (I assume that the Olympic game hasn't started yet)
- WithThe opening ceremony is imminent. This makes people increasingly set considerable stores byestablish considerable number of stores in this carnival.

2nd paragraph:
- It is first started with theStart with economy.
... , handicraft industry, (comma needed) and high-technology industry.
- However, Brazil is sufferinghad suffered its worst recession since ...
- On June 1st, (comma needed) the government reported that GDP was contracted by 0.3% in real ...
Thisiswas 5% smaller than it was a year earlier. (space needed after period) Over two years, (space needed after comma) the number of (...) a swelling number of manufactoriesmanufactures have been idle, and production has slumped to 60% compared with its heyday in 2009.

As you can see Henry, I think that by considering my feedback above, it will be beneficial towards your further revision of this essay. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. You can just upload the revision below my message. Good luck for that :)
bbcheesecake14 10 / 14  
Aug 16, 2016   #4
hii, here my correction ;)

-in your essay, it's too much punctuation error. such as, space, period, and coma. be careful, punctuation is important for essay ;).
-However, Brazil is sufferinghas suffered
-It is first started withthe Start with economy.

thankyouu, correct if i wrong ;)


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