Causes and solutions to global hunger - the importance of agricultural technology

Hi all, this is a writing task for IELTS, which I am preparing now. I hope you may offer me some feedback about grammar, vocabulary, or anything. Much appreciated!

Writing task:

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry.

Why is this case? What can be done about this problem?

It is true that a large number of people suffer from hunger nowadays despite the breakthrough humans have achieved in agriculture. Poverty and climate change are two important reasons and some measures can be taken to alleviate the crisis.

One of the main reasons why people go hungry is that they cannot afford the food. Most starving people live in extreme poverty. They do not have enough arable land to grow sufficient food to supply themselves, and they earn so little income from work (if they are employed) to afford purchased food from other sources when their own supply runs out. Moreover, climate change and extreme weather have a detrimental effect on agricultural production. For example, it is reported that drought is attributed to more than eighty percent of the total damage in agriculture. Lack of basic infrastructure, such as irrigation systems, in some African drought-stricken areas, aggravates the situation, so farmers in these areas are more likely to suffer from food shortage.

However, some actions can be taken to tackle these problems. Firstly, it requires collective efforts from the international community to ensure that children in disadvantaged regions have access to education. Only by acquiring basic skills such as reading, writing, and numeracy can they grow up into mature, skilled, and qualified adults. In this way, they have a chance to seek employment or start their own enterprise. Secondly, developed countries should feel obligated to aid impoverished countries by sharing agricultural technology and financial resources with them, therefore, they are able to conduct researches about how to transform agriculture and make sustainable food.

To conclude, agricultural technology sharing from developed countries and ensuring access to education will be crucial to mitigating global hunger.

Good job on restating the topic and the reason for the presentation. The topic sentences and structure are clear and relate to the topic, but it seems to me that the solutions are not quite relevant to the reasons you stated (Poverty and climate change are two important reasons <-> access to education and technology sharing from developed countries). It will be better if you mention how the technology from other countries can mitigate the influence of climate change.

On the other hand, some sentences are too long to read. Perhaps you want to make some complicated/compound sentence structure but it seems strange. Eg. the last sentence of paragraph 3 and the second sentence of paragraph 2

->If I were you, I would write:
... arable land to maintain sufficient food supply themselves, and they earn only negligible wages from work even if they are employed, which makes them unable to afford food from alternative sources when their own supply depletes.

The original prompt is not asking you to attest to the truthfulness of the topic being presented for discussion. You will lose points for including an opinion which is not required in the paraphrasing of the original topic. That is a very bad thing to do and will most certainly affect your TA score as you are not following the writing instructions as provided. Simply restate the prompt and respond to the questions provided with topic sentences. Stick to the instructions, you are scored on your ability to follow instructions as provided.

Your first topic in the second paragraph is confusing to read. You start by discussing the inability of people to buy food in general, then you suddenly shift to an unspoken reference to farmers who are incapable of purchasing food. As such, you leave the reader confused and your reasoning lacking in proper references. The sudden introduction of a second topic created a confusing topic discussion for the paragraph, which means the thought in this presentation is under developed and lacking in clarity, 2 points which, when deducted from your score, means you are closer to a failing rather than passing score.

The solutions suggested are not related to the ability to buy food. Education has nothing to do with the discussion because you did not properly defend its relationship to the topic. The second reason, is barely explained and does not help to increase an understanding of the solution you are suggesting. There needs to be a clear relationship between the problems previously presented and applicable solutions in the next paragraph.

You need at least 40 words in the concluding summary. Your run-on sentence, which does not properly summarize the discussion, will be the final reason for the low score for this presentation.

Overall you did well on your vocabulary! However I found awkward that you mention things in the third paragraph. Your focus on the topic is about hunger of the people, but then on the third, you shift to the hunger of the children, and to education and so on. It is not quite closely related to your second paragraph as well.

If I were you, I will probably only select a major factor that cause starvation, and find solutions to cope with the issue. That way you won't be distracted to other factor, and the structure won't be that complicated and confusing. I am sorry I cannot do much of grammar, and the others had commented about it properly. Hope my comment help! Good luck on your IELTS!

@Vivian798
Thanks a lot, Vivian.