Families are now not as close as they used to be
It is true that the relationship between family members in today's modern life is deteriorating. This problem could be explained by various factors; however, there are many solutions that people can adapt to cement the bond between them and other members of the family.
The development of technology is one root cause of the separation of family members. Since almost every member has electronic devices, they tend to spend their free time in front of the screen rather than talking and sharing with each other. This was not the case in the past when people's spare time was mostly spent on face-to-face communication, which allowed them to better understand one another. Today's increasingly competitive society is also one factor that weakens family bonds. To be more specific, while parents tend to work overtime to guarantee the family's financial state, children have to spent extra hours at school and study under increasing pressure to meet their parents' expectations and higher requirements of the labor market. As a result of a lack of time spent with each other, people under the same roof are no longer close as in the past.
In order to re-strengthen family bonds, some effective steps should be taken. First of all, a family rule of using technological devices should be carried out. All family members will be restricted to the use of mobile gadgets during family mealtime, thus having more time to share or talk to each other, which helps ensure that family members can allocate sufficient time for bonding with one another. What is more, children especially adolescence should be educated on how to overcome the generation gap at schools. Children spend most of their time at school where they mostly approach their friends and teachers except for their loved ones. Therefore, schools should introduce more social skills lessons in their curriculum which can teach them about the importance of family bonds and how to create an equal and harmonious relationship among family members.
In conclusion, the development of technology and harsh requirement of labour environment have resulted in reduced family ties which is still possible tightened through school education and family rules.Hi nguyentran9795,
In Body paragraph 1, I think you should rewrite the Topic sentence (TP) in a more general way (e.g.: a myriad of causes). The TP will be your main focus to elaborate on and support by supporting details. If you choose technology as the TP, the whole paragraph should enlarge on this idea, not mention any other causes, right?
That being said, I think you have a good control over essay structure (how to write every paragraph properly).
@nguyentran9795
Hi there!
Welcome to the forum. Let me try my best to provide you with substantial feedback on your writing.
Firstly, I have to comment on the fact that I find that your writing is put-together already. What I would focus more on would be adding depth into your writing by using real-world or firmer examples as you go along. If you can, for instance, discuss cultures that have already been engulfed by the massive usage of gadgets in their everyday lives, you will be able to convince the readers that your points are to be accounted for.
Additionally, try to trim down your sentences more. Notice how lengthy and dragging your second paragraph is because you had such long-form content. Try to evade the usage of fillers and excessive language, especially because they do not particularly contribute to your essay. If you have to, keep them at a minimum.
Observe this revision:
To be more specific, while p Parents tend to work overtime to guarantee for the family's financial state, therefore children ... hours at school and studying under increasing pressure to ... and higher requirements of the labor market's requirements.
Try to also remove some portions of your second to the last paragraph to allocate more space in creating a more substantive conclusion. Doing this will help you balance out your writing.
Best of luck in your writing as always.
